Okay I really don't want to jump into this particular funeral procession but I am going to. We are inundated with the tragedy in Newtown Connecticut and we keep hearing the same things we always hear in the aftermath of these massacres. I think most of the stuff we hear is pretty much correct as far as it goes. The problem is that people are trapped within their own viewpoints, in other words we tend to believe our perceptions.
Some folks are talking about unmet mental health needs. I agree that as a society we pretty much ignore the truly mentally ill. Of course we are also over diagnosing like crazy and quite literally medicating our brains out. We should overhaul our entire mental health system (non-system) but this will not do anything to prevent these types of massacres. This is because mentally ill people really are not very dangerous on the whole.
The debate about gun control is going to become more fervent. I have already had someone very condescendingly explain to me that "guns don't kill people, people kill people." I congratulated him on his originality as he went on to rapid fire explain to me that more guns in more hands would actually deter these villains. I guess if all the little kids in that classroom had been armed to the teeth they could have shot the killer to pieces. It would make supervising recess a little trickier. It is true though that better gun control (which I do support) probably cannot prevent these particular types of tragedies.
The other thing I have been hearing is that our media and culture celebrate violence. I think this perception is correct too. However I am not sure it goes far enough. Even people who do not particularly like violent entertainment can be violent and some have been mass killers.
Any animal that is cornered and feels threatened will react with violence. Violence is nature's last ditch solution for any creature when all other solutions fail. Novelist Kurt Vonnegut had a running theme that humanity's problems stem from our large brains and our overuse of them. The reason we (including you and me) are so capable of murder is that we too frequently use our brains to convince ourselves that we are cornered and threatened.
The process of doing this is called building resentment. It is how people work themselves into a rage. It seems stupid but it is our true national pastime. People are obsessed with resentment building. Some radio hosts have made a career of it. I believe that a nation filled with pissed off angry resentful people is an incubator for producing mass murderers. This is my perception.
We build resentment by first justifying our anger. In the wake of the Newtown tragedy will be heated debates. The adversaries in these debates will justify their anger at each other. They will do this by seeking each other out and trying to force others to accept their own point of view. When this fails they will cluster with people who share their own perspective and reinforce their frustration with those who disagree. They will compare the other side to communists or Nazis as the case may be and this will further justify their anger.
Feeling justified each side will next amplify their anger by fantasizing about the other side. They will have imaginary debates where they suppose what the other side would say (the other side always says something stupid). Next they will somehow dehumanize the other side by using terms like "gun nut," "nanny state," "brain dead," or "knee jerk." Dehumanizing people makes it seem okay to treat them inhumanely. Next will come the humiliation fantasies as each side imagines winning and other side crying and whining pathetically. All this leads to less communication and more arguing. The result is never a lasting solution just more hard feelings.
The reason these tragedies happen is because we misuse our brains. Instead of opening our minds and seeking solutions we reinforce our feelings of self-righteousness and in self justified rage we lash out crazily. We reinforce this insanity in our entertainments where when the hero goes berserk in a fit of self-righteous violence he wins! We reinforce this insanity in our political groups who use self-righteousness to stir up anger and fear for political advantage. We reinforce this insanity in our approach to foreign policy, insisting on military dominance and the ability to humiliate our international opponents. Given the massive reinforcement for resentment building and the ubiquitous validation of violence, frankly I am kind of surprised these massacres are not more common . It gives me hope.
Russell
Sheep
Sunday, December 16, 2012
Sunday, November 25, 2012
Getting In Touch With My Inner Jerk!
Last summer somebody asked me, "Hot enough for ya?" I just smiled. I wanted to shout back, "Hell no! It won't be hot enough for me until my blood actually starts percolating!" So why didn't I? The other day I was out in my coat with my scarf wrapped around my neck. Some fool said to me "Why you wearing a coat? It ain't cold! ha-ha-ha!" I just smiled and avoided eye contact. What I wanted to say was, "Hey jackass I know it's not cold! This is my portable, personal sweat lodge!" Why didn't I?
I like to play in the ocean with my boogie board and surf-fins. Sometimes there's good waves here. I'll be on the elevator after a few hours catching waves. Invariably somebody asks, "Been to the beach?" I have occasionally just stared back in exasperation, but usually I just say, "Yeah." I think about saying, "No I was at the movies." So why don't I?
Every time a waiter asks me "Is everything okay?" I am tempted to say, "Hell no! The whole world's in a giant fuckin mess! There's global warming, the Mideast is about to explode again, the economy is in recession, and I am concerned about becoming arthritic! Nothing is okay, except the meal was not too bad." So how come I never say that?
I guess I would feel bad if I ever said half the stuff the pops into my brain. I really don't want to be a jerk but it is pretty tempting! I might not be evil genius material but I am a frustrated smart-alack. A frustrated evil genius makes a death ray, a frustrated smart-alack draws a cartoon of himself with one.
Russell
GMO vs. GMO
The creation and production of genetically modified organisms [GMO] is a safe industry, but nobody's perfect. Which is how the nutriweenie came about. A really very competent lab technician just happened to have a cold but, she was dedicated and she came to work anyway and.... well she sneezed. When she did a petrie dish of genetic material for dachshunds spilled into a petrie dish of nutria genetic material, which normally wouldn't be a problem but, when combined with whatever she sneezed, well the result was hundreds of nutriweenies.
Nutriweenies do not make good pets! Unfortunately they are just too cute for many people to resist. It's true that nutriweenies have all the feisty charm of a weenie dog combined with the enigmatic draw if a gerbil. The gerbil connection may be a lot deeper than a mere superficial appearance. Like the gerbil the nutriweenie has a penchant burrowing into dark warm places which could explain their mutual appeal to some people with unusual sexual appetites. The nutriweenies amphibious habits probably enhance its sexual utility for these folks. Emergency room personnel are reporting individuals coming to the ER complaining of nutriweenies lodging themselves into their anuses while they were sitting on the toilet. Nutriweenies would likely find sewers to be an excellent habitat. It is unlikely however that one would swim up into a toilet, and less likely one could or would leap from the bowl into your rectum. Still it might be wise to flush before you start your "business."
Children seem to find nutriweenies irresistible. The wiggly little pups are friendly and readily interact with kids. Unfortunately their filthy habitats, their shaggy coats and their sneeze generated origination, make them one of the most septic non-microbial creatures on the planet! If your child brings one home you will need to immediately contact your local board of health and follow their instructions completely. Whatever you do never flush a nutriweenie down the commode. We cannot afford to have them establish themselves in the sewers of America. Some people believe alligators living in the sewers would eat the nutriweenies but these alligators are a myth. The myth did give the fellows at the lab an idea though and it just may work!
The kittycuda is the world's first GMO engineered to counteract the negative impact of another GMO (the nutriweenie). The kittycuda is a nearly perfect predatory match up to the nutriweenie. Both are amphibious so there is no escape by land or water for the nutriweenie. The kittycuda is a doubly stealthy combination of barracuda and ocelot DNA. Kittycudas have needle sharp teeth and a gaping maw and a long catlike tail tipped with a scimitar shaped caudal fin. This may be the ultimate ambush predator. Whether creeping silently through brush, hovering motionless in the water or waiting patiently to pounce from an overhanging branch the kittycuda is silent but deadly!
Some people admire these handsome creatures so much that they have tried to keep them as pets. Kittycudas are predatory and will eat other pets if they can swallow them whole so just figure that your kittycuda is going to be your only pet. They are unable to distinguish between pets and food and tend to establish large hunting territories so your neighbors probably won't like your pet if it swallows their Maltese Terrier. Children should be safe except perhaps premature newborns but they are unlikely to be left unattended. Kittycudas are so stealthy your neighbors are unlikely to catch them eating a pet, so if you just keep quiet they may never figure out what happened. Be as sneaky as your pet and all should be fine.
Russell
Children seem to find nutriweenies irresistible. The wiggly little pups are friendly and readily interact with kids. Unfortunately their filthy habitats, their shaggy coats and their sneeze generated origination, make them one of the most septic non-microbial creatures on the planet! If your child brings one home you will need to immediately contact your local board of health and follow their instructions completely. Whatever you do never flush a nutriweenie down the commode. We cannot afford to have them establish themselves in the sewers of America. Some people believe alligators living in the sewers would eat the nutriweenies but these alligators are a myth. The myth did give the fellows at the lab an idea though and it just may work!
Some people admire these handsome creatures so much that they have tried to keep them as pets. Kittycudas are predatory and will eat other pets if they can swallow them whole so just figure that your kittycuda is going to be your only pet. They are unable to distinguish between pets and food and tend to establish large hunting territories so your neighbors probably won't like your pet if it swallows their Maltese Terrier. Children should be safe except perhaps premature newborns but they are unlikely to be left unattended. Kittycudas are so stealthy your neighbors are unlikely to catch them eating a pet, so if you just keep quiet they may never figure out what happened. Be as sneaky as your pet and all should be fine.
Russell
Friday, November 16, 2012
Be Prepared!
The anxiety is increasing across the country. It's coming and there's not a gawdamn thing we can do 'bout it! I'm not talking about Christmas, although we are not able to prevent it either. Black Friday is less than a week away. It actually starts on Thursday this year. Thanksgiving Day is ending early, so that you can start shopping immediately after stuffing yourself to the point where gluttony transforms into misery. Sounds awful doesn't it? Wandering the aisles of Walmart in a tryptophan haze jostled by other flatulent shoppers tussling over bargain priced electronics, widgets, and assorted crapola.
Well it doesn't matter how dumb it is! In our struggling economy it is your patriotic duty as an American consumer to go out there and consume, consume, consume until it consumes you damnit! But you need to be prepared. Remember the mayhem of last year's Black Friday? Well bucko, this year won't be any easier. It is likely to be even crazier, more frenetic, and even more violent. Fortunately there are some steps you can take to enhance your prospects of snatching more than your share of bargains at Target and living to show them off.
Last year's favorite shopping aids were hand held tasers and pepper spray. They have already shown up again this year. It seems tasing and pepper spraying rival shoppers might just have become a holiday tradition. "Merry Christmas" zap! And another shopper is left twitching in the home furnishings aisle. You need not limit yourself to these now prosaic examples of holiday shopping weaponry. Exciting new tools for cage match style shopping are available.
If you wish to clear a department of other shoppers or want to avoid waiting forever in a lengthy checkout line just toss a jar filled with angry wasps into the general area and watch those Walmart shoppers flee! You may have to use the self checkout. Have you ever fished for catfish? Did you use blood bait? If you did God bless you, because that stuff smells like shit! Exactly like shit! Really very stinky shit too! Simply spread a good quantity of blood bait onto a disposable diaper and stick it onto the screen of your favorite plasma TV. You can do the rest of your shopping and pick it up on your way out. Nobody will touch it!
Despite these innovative techniques you may still have to engage in hand to hand shopping! A can of bear repellent is much more effective than the traditional pepper spray. Bear repellent is designed to ward off grizzly bears! It should work against all but the most fanatical bargain hunters. If you can't find bear repellent try oven cleaner. It can remove years of baked on grease, it just might remove your shopping competition.
Wear rubber soled shoes and imbed razor blades in the outside edges of the soles. That should prevent people from crowding too close! Spilling marbles onto the floor can create a distraction, as shoppers flop head over heals, which you can use to snatch items you missed out of their carts! Some rival shoppers may carry paper shopping bags supplied by the store. You can get these fools out of your way simply by using a disposable lighter to set their shopping bag aflame! It's simple and fun!
Finally you need to realize that despite all these great ideas or possibly because of them you may find yourself in an altercation with another shopper or even store security. Sometimes the simplest solutions are the best. What could be simpler than a purse full of bricks! Whack somebody with that and they stay whacked! Alternatively you can reach in, yank out a brick and start pelting your assailant(s).
Well, good luck and good shopping! Happy holidays everybody!
Russell
Last year's favorite shopping aids were hand held tasers and pepper spray. They have already shown up again this year. It seems tasing and pepper spraying rival shoppers might just have become a holiday tradition. "Merry Christmas" zap! And another shopper is left twitching in the home furnishings aisle. You need not limit yourself to these now prosaic examples of holiday shopping weaponry. Exciting new tools for cage match style shopping are available.
If you wish to clear a department of other shoppers or want to avoid waiting forever in a lengthy checkout line just toss a jar filled with angry wasps into the general area and watch those Walmart shoppers flee! You may have to use the self checkout. Have you ever fished for catfish? Did you use blood bait? If you did God bless you, because that stuff smells like shit! Exactly like shit! Really very stinky shit too! Simply spread a good quantity of blood bait onto a disposable diaper and stick it onto the screen of your favorite plasma TV. You can do the rest of your shopping and pick it up on your way out. Nobody will touch it!
Despite these innovative techniques you may still have to engage in hand to hand shopping! A can of bear repellent is much more effective than the traditional pepper spray. Bear repellent is designed to ward off grizzly bears! It should work against all but the most fanatical bargain hunters. If you can't find bear repellent try oven cleaner. It can remove years of baked on grease, it just might remove your shopping competition.
Wear rubber soled shoes and imbed razor blades in the outside edges of the soles. That should prevent people from crowding too close! Spilling marbles onto the floor can create a distraction, as shoppers flop head over heals, which you can use to snatch items you missed out of their carts! Some rival shoppers may carry paper shopping bags supplied by the store. You can get these fools out of your way simply by using a disposable lighter to set their shopping bag aflame! It's simple and fun!
Finally you need to realize that despite all these great ideas or possibly because of them you may find yourself in an altercation with another shopper or even store security. Sometimes the simplest solutions are the best. What could be simpler than a purse full of bricks! Whack somebody with that and they stay whacked! Alternatively you can reach in, yank out a brick and start pelting your assailant(s).
Well, good luck and good shopping! Happy holidays everybody!
Russell
Friday, November 9, 2012
The Delightful Hammerhead Terrier!
The only major downside to owning a Hammerhead Terrier is in fact their accident proneness. Some owners have experimented with wrapping bubble wrap around their pet's snouts. Others have tried balloons or foam rubber mounted to their pet's snout using elastic or rubber bands. Another strategy is to attach foam rubber or even feather pillows to any surface or obstacle the Hammerhead Terrier has or could slam into. This may seem extreme but really nothing is too extreme when you are protecting the well being of a loving family pet.
Due to their farsightedness male Hammerhead Terriers are often off target when they urinate. This can be entertaining or annoying depending on your point of view. If your point of view is to close it could be embarrassing too. Again children usually get a good laugh out of watching their pet playing lawn sprinkler. Besides this particular idiosyncrasy can be used to help them understand why grandpa is so.... messy.
All in all the Hammerhead Terrier is a good choice for people looking for lively a pet who loves to chase balls but are not too disappointed if he winds up running right past them. Try to avoid playing fetch in areas closed in by chain link fencing. Your pup will never see it and slamming into a chain link fence may look comical but it could strain your pet. On the other hand your pet may never come back after he takes off after a ball or stick tossed into an open field.
Should you be strolling in an open field when a Hammerhead Terrier comes bounding toward you let the beast run straight into your arms! Soon his owner will come running up to you ever so grateful to you for nabbing the wayward pet.
Russell
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
Lab Reports, "OOPS!"
Okay this was a mistake! The pit shark is not a fit pet for anyone except possibly a suicidal psychopath in which case it is the perfect pet. The guys at the lab were trying to create the worlds most effective guard dog. It seemed like gene splicing a pit bulldog with a bull shark ought to yield an optimum guard dog. The trouble was that guard dogs are meant to stop trespassers but not by eating them. That is exactly what the pit shark did in it's initial trial as a guard dog.
The fellas at the lab thought they had eliminated all copies of the pit shark genome. One young lab assistant apparently thought it would be funny to substitute a pit shark for his grandma's shiatsu. Even her walker was ripped to shreds. Anyway the frightful beast was apparently pregnant and gave birth before she could be apprehended (a process which proved fatal to several Animal Planet Channel celebrities). Luckily the pit shark's reproductive rate is hampered by the fact that fetal pit sharks practice inutero cannibalism. This has kept their numbers somewhat limited but served to heighten their black market panache. Prices for this illegal species pups have soared. This has slowed their spread into the milieu of inbred backwoods redneck dog fighting. Unfortunately it has only increased their cache among upwardly mobile gangster rappers.
These shark canine hybrids are excellent swimmers. Reports that pups flushed down toilets by wary parents, over their delinquent child's objection, wind up thriving in the sewers may in fact be true. Despite rampant internet rumoring, evidence of them leaping up from toilet holes to chomp down on exposed genitalia are anecdotal at best (worst?). Even so investing, both personally and financially, in Depends or another adult diaper might prove worthwhile.
Reports of gigantic pit sharks stalking forests and patrolling lakes and rivers are probably exaggerated. It is true that in theory there is no maximum size for a shark but the pit shark also has canine elements. The prospect of 30 foot long (some witnesses report 60 foot monsters) pit sharks is too horrible to not consider. Such a beast would have the coldblooded nature of a shark combined with the hot blooded appetite of a pit bull all in a giant size! A pit shark of such dimension would likely be impervious to gunfire. It is doubtful that even Danny Glover could kill one.
Should you encounter a pit shark give it wide berth and definitely DO NOT TRY TO PET A PIT SHARK! Unless of course you always wanted the nickname "Lefty."
Russell
The fellas at the lab thought they had eliminated all copies of the pit shark genome. One young lab assistant apparently thought it would be funny to substitute a pit shark for his grandma's shiatsu. Even her walker was ripped to shreds. Anyway the frightful beast was apparently pregnant and gave birth before she could be apprehended (a process which proved fatal to several Animal Planet Channel celebrities). Luckily the pit shark's reproductive rate is hampered by the fact that fetal pit sharks practice inutero cannibalism. This has kept their numbers somewhat limited but served to heighten their black market panache. Prices for this illegal species pups have soared. This has slowed their spread into the milieu of inbred backwoods redneck dog fighting. Unfortunately it has only increased their cache among upwardly mobile gangster rappers.
These shark canine hybrids are excellent swimmers. Reports that pups flushed down toilets by wary parents, over their delinquent child's objection, wind up thriving in the sewers may in fact be true. Despite rampant internet rumoring, evidence of them leaping up from toilet holes to chomp down on exposed genitalia are anecdotal at best (worst?). Even so investing, both personally and financially, in Depends or another adult diaper might prove worthwhile.
Reports of gigantic pit sharks stalking forests and patrolling lakes and rivers are probably exaggerated. It is true that in theory there is no maximum size for a shark but the pit shark also has canine elements. The prospect of 30 foot long (some witnesses report 60 foot monsters) pit sharks is too horrible to not consider. Such a beast would have the coldblooded nature of a shark combined with the hot blooded appetite of a pit bull all in a giant size! A pit shark of such dimension would likely be impervious to gunfire. It is doubtful that even Danny Glover could kill one.
Should you encounter a pit shark give it wide berth and definitely DO NOT TRY TO PET A PIT SHARK! Unless of course you always wanted the nickname "Lefty."
Russell
Finally A Convenient Pet For Dog Lovers!
I know many dog lovers are anxiously awaiting the introduction of a canine which can compete with the starcat for the designation of "world's most convenient pet." Lucky for them the wait is nearly over. Cat lovers now have a less contemptuous pet with the starcat. Dog lovers have been wanting a less enmeshed pet and now comes the squeagle. The squeagle is a perfect pet for people that love dogs but hate having some four legged sycophant constantly under foot (and man do they howl when you accidentally step on them). The squeagle is the perfect pet for on the go people. The squeagle has all the intelligence, loyalty, and loveability of a beagle with the cunning self sufficiency of a squirrel. Squeagles are affectionate and readily come when called, they love to play fetch if you use acorns or peanuts instead sticks or balls.
I understand how distressing it is to leave the house when your pet pooch reacts as if you are abandoning him forever! Dogs seem to think every time you go outside you are never ever coming home again! Then while you're away they they decide to empty the kitchen garbage can onto the living room floor. When you come home they are so happy to see you that you're paralyzed with emotional dissonance. You're mad over the mess but the doggy is so effervescent with relief at your return you feel guilty for being mad! This kind of internal conflict can give you a neurosis. You will never suffer such psychological trauma as the owner of a squeagle.
You can leave your pet squeagle alone in the backyard indefinitely. Your squeagle will scavenge nuts and seeds and conceal them in secret hiding places. If some neighborhood cat comes into your yard anticipating making a meal of your pet, that cat is in for a rude awakening. It is very entertaining to watch as some naive kitty stalks a squeagle only to be scared half to death when the bushy tailed little beast suddenly spins around bares its teeth and starts barking maniacally! This kind of internal conflict can give a cat a neurosis.
The only difficulty of owning a squeagle has to do with their chisel like incisors. These fast growing teeth give the squeagle a cute bucktoothed face but, they grow so fast that the squeagle needs to engage in nearly incessant gnawing to avoid them scraping the ground. This is only a problem for indoor pets. Fortunately the squeagles canine learning ability makes it easy to train and they love to fetch. Simply toss a whetstone down the hall (be careful this is no rubber ball!) and yell "fetch it boy!" As your obedient squeagle snatches his toy he automatically grinds down his two front teeth. Try and get in several hours of play each day! (Hey it is part dog after all.)
Russell
I understand how distressing it is to leave the house when your pet pooch reacts as if you are abandoning him forever! Dogs seem to think every time you go outside you are never ever coming home again! Then while you're away they they decide to empty the kitchen garbage can onto the living room floor. When you come home they are so happy to see you that you're paralyzed with emotional dissonance. You're mad over the mess but the doggy is so effervescent with relief at your return you feel guilty for being mad! This kind of internal conflict can give you a neurosis. You will never suffer such psychological trauma as the owner of a squeagle.
You can leave your pet squeagle alone in the backyard indefinitely. Your squeagle will scavenge nuts and seeds and conceal them in secret hiding places. If some neighborhood cat comes into your yard anticipating making a meal of your pet, that cat is in for a rude awakening. It is very entertaining to watch as some naive kitty stalks a squeagle only to be scared half to death when the bushy tailed little beast suddenly spins around bares its teeth and starts barking maniacally! This kind of internal conflict can give a cat a neurosis.
The only difficulty of owning a squeagle has to do with their chisel like incisors. These fast growing teeth give the squeagle a cute bucktoothed face but, they grow so fast that the squeagle needs to engage in nearly incessant gnawing to avoid them scraping the ground. This is only a problem for indoor pets. Fortunately the squeagles canine learning ability makes it easy to train and they love to fetch. Simply toss a whetstone down the hall (be careful this is no rubber ball!) and yell "fetch it boy!" As your obedient squeagle snatches his toy he automatically grinds down his two front teeth. Try and get in several hours of play each day! (Hey it is part dog after all.)
Russell
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
The Most Convenient Cat Ever!
Through the genius of genetic engineering, you will soon be able to own the most convenient cat ever! The starcat is a miraculous creature, part feline, part echinoderm. Ever tried to catch a cat? It's practically impossible! Cats are fast, they can hide under or behind almost anything, they climb like crazy and if you do corner them they attack! The starcat solves all these problems. Starcats are as speedy as starfish, your 90 year old grandmother could outrun one using her walker without breaking a sweat! Starcats can hide sort of, but they cannot flatten themselves out or squeeze themselves behind stuff like an ordinary cat can. They can't climb at all, with the exception of glass, their tube feet are great at adhering to sliding glass doors. It can be startling to turn around to rinse off your back in the shower only to find your pet starcat staring at you! Most convenient of all starcats are virtually incapable of attack, there is an insignificant risk of asphyxiation should a starcat somehow attach to your face, so avoid passing out on the floor.Starcats have difficulty mating so you can probably avoid the embarrassment of having them spayed or neutered without paying the consequence of having to deal with a litter of starkittens. If do want another starcat there is a simple method of getting one to five new starkittys! Just break off one, two, three, four or five of your starcats "arms," each will grow into a brand new starcat, with only minor and temporary inconvenience to your current pet! What could be more convenient than that? Many cat lovers also like birds, squirrels, bunnies, butterflies, ornamental fish and any number of the other of God's creatures typically murdered by cats. Good news! none of these darling animals is in any danger from the ground hugging, slow moving, clawless and non-pouncing starcat. The starcat is indeed the most convenient cat ever. Look for one, coming soon to your pet shop or aquarium store!
Russell
Adorable Pets From The Future!
The other day my younger sister (my little sister doesn't sound right anymore) texted me pleading for help. Her house was being overrun with "Crazy Ants" (Formichidae Wacko) and she desperately wanted to annihilate them. I suggested the traditional icepick method. This method requires great speed, extreme accuracy and incredible control. The trick is to skewer these minuscule and frenetic insects without scratching the Formica. This of course requires fantastic skill and concentration. Some exceptionally devout Buddhist Monks are able to do it but won't. They are unwilling to harm any sentient being and they foolishly believe these ants have souls! Buddhists, go figure! I thought my sister could handle the challenge what with years of ballet practice and her aerobics regimen but she declined. She figured maybe an aardvark could devour the little bastards and wondered if I had access to one. Unfortunately I did not.
I got to thinking about it and decided an aardvark was not an adequate solution to my little sister's (sounds better now) ant invasion. What she needed is a catvark! A catvark combines the appetite of an aardvark with feline cunning and stealth! Unfortunately these magnificent creatures do not yet exist. Luckily I have a nephew studying Biochemistry at the University of Houston and I am certain he can gene splice one together in short order. A catvark is judged by it's conformity to the ideal, which I have predetermined. The ideal catvark has a long sticky tongue. The snout is also elongated and adorned with adorable whiskers which the catvark uses as a sensory organ for detecting ants. The catvark's eyes are adapted for night vision. There is nothing so exhilarating to witness as the sight of one these wonderous beasts slowly creeping up on a column of unsuspecting crazy ants. Suddenly the catvark strikes! It's long sticky tongue repeatedly flinging out and snapping back coated with hapless ants! Truly an awesome pet and quite utilitarian too!
The catvark is not only pet of the future that will make prosaic cats and dogs obsolescent. Old fashioned cats and dogs hardly ever worked out as mutual house pets. Not so with catvarks and platypoodles. You see catvarks are wholly terrestrial while platypoodles are amphibious. Because of these differing habits catvarks and platypoodles rarely conflict. And there is nothing more delightful than the sight of your very own pet platypoodle paddling around in the koi pond. The platypoodle with his dignified duckbill, regal pom poms, webbed paws and rudder like paddle tail is a mammal any discerning pet lover would be proud to own. Similar to the catvark platypoodles are easy to maintain, not that they eat ants, but they eat any manner of disgusting stuff found in pond water including tadpoles, crayfish, water bugs, and duck shit. Platypoodles are intelligent, friendly and they love children, which can cause some embarrassing scenes at swimming pools (be careful).
Hopefully these wonderful pets will soon be available. Until then my sister is going to have to hone her ant ninja skills with the icepick!
Russell
I got to thinking about it and decided an aardvark was not an adequate solution to my little sister's (sounds better now) ant invasion. What she needed is a catvark! A catvark combines the appetite of an aardvark with feline cunning and stealth! Unfortunately these magnificent creatures do not yet exist. Luckily I have a nephew studying Biochemistry at the University of Houston and I am certain he can gene splice one together in short order. A catvark is judged by it's conformity to the ideal, which I have predetermined. The ideal catvark has a long sticky tongue. The snout is also elongated and adorned with adorable whiskers which the catvark uses as a sensory organ for detecting ants. The catvark's eyes are adapted for night vision. There is nothing so exhilarating to witness as the sight of one these wonderous beasts slowly creeping up on a column of unsuspecting crazy ants. Suddenly the catvark strikes! It's long sticky tongue repeatedly flinging out and snapping back coated with hapless ants! Truly an awesome pet and quite utilitarian too!
The catvark is not only pet of the future that will make prosaic cats and dogs obsolescent. Old fashioned cats and dogs hardly ever worked out as mutual house pets. Not so with catvarks and platypoodles. You see catvarks are wholly terrestrial while platypoodles are amphibious. Because of these differing habits catvarks and platypoodles rarely conflict. And there is nothing more delightful than the sight of your very own pet platypoodle paddling around in the koi pond. The platypoodle with his dignified duckbill, regal pom poms, webbed paws and rudder like paddle tail is a mammal any discerning pet lover would be proud to own. Similar to the catvark platypoodles are easy to maintain, not that they eat ants, but they eat any manner of disgusting stuff found in pond water including tadpoles, crayfish, water bugs, and duck shit. Platypoodles are intelligent, friendly and they love children, which can cause some embarrassing scenes at swimming pools (be careful).
Hopefully these wonderful pets will soon be available. Until then my sister is going to have to hone her ant ninja skills with the icepick!
Russell
More Pets Of The Future!
Neither armadillos nor chihuahuas have much of a sporting reputation, although armadillos are sometimes used as a ball in games of automobile polo. Armahuahuas are sporting dogs! Not surprisingly their sport is futbol! (soccer to you whitey!) It takes a relatively large armahuahua but when they curl up they make a decent soccer ball. Finally after a lousy crappy day at work you can come home and kick the dog without feeling guilty about it! Everybody is going to want one of these little hybrid mutts. Science scores a, GOAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
However if the armahuahua does not appeal to you perhaps the lhasopossum will. These quiet omnivores are an ideal pet for shift workers or anyone who stays up late and sleeps all day because like an opossum they are nocturnal. Lhasopossums are shy and sometimes one will hide in a closet hanging from a hanger rod by its prehensile tail. If the family pet chooses to hang from the shower rod it can be upsetting for both of you! Lhasopossums do not react well to be sprayed with water. They are generally easy to maintain and have an appetite for garbage which makes them a favorite pet for avid recyclers. They are not especially playful but not surprisingly they are really good at playing dead. They hate shaking hands and usually mistake a proffered digit for a tempting morsel, ouch!
Lhasopossums are extremely prolific and generally produce a litter of a dozen or more! Becoming a breeder should be easy but you will have to make your profit by selling in volume. Seeing a mother lhasopossum skittering around with her pups clinging to her erect tail is a heartwarming sight. The pups are tiny but develop fast. The puppies wrap their prehensile tails around their mothers tail to hitch a ride. This propensity can be used in a charming way during the holiday season. If you are giving pet lhasopossums as gifts you can simply hang the puppies from your Christmas tree by their tails. Children love finding the cute pet Santa left for them hanging on the tree! Be careful though because lhasopossum pups have a taste for tinsel and the shiny pellets they defecate are attractive to children, yikes!
Russell
Friday, October 19, 2012
I Am A Caffiend!
I really like coffee, alot! I don't adulterate my coffee either. I know people that claim they like coffee but, what they drink is some kind of syrupy sweet tan milk product with a vague coffee flavor. Coffee is an acquired taste. Nobody was born craving coffee, it takes discipline! Real coffee is a dark brown liquid with an adult flavor not some sweet kiddie drink.
What happened to percolators? Does anybody remember them? I decided to buy a stove top percolator. I figured I had time to actually percolate my coffee. I decided to buy a cheap aluminum percolator I could set on top of the stove. I went to the grocery store, nada! I went to Walgreen's, zilch! I went to Target, null and void! I actually went to Walmart and they didn't have any percolators either! This was a Super-Walmart too. Ace Hardware had a camping percolator, the kind you use on a campfire for Chrisakes! I felt like I was asking for a buggy whip.
I think I could buy a percolator online. It would probably be manufactured in India. Somehow it just seems crazy to go online in order satisfy some bizarre retro tech impulse for genuine percolated coffee. But then again I am blogging about it.
One day I found an online store that sells old fashioned candy. Not homemade candy, just brands and flavors that haven't been popular since the Eisenhower Administration. That is so weird because who would buy it? Nobody that ever ate the stuff shops online and nobody online ever heard of this crap. Well there is me of course. I mean it's tempting but I remember how bad Necco Wafers really were and I only buy stuff for my daughter online.
Maybe I will look for a percolator on the net. Right now I'm going to load up the Mr. Coffee dripolator and drink some manly coffee in a manly way out of a manly mug! Well actually I am going to drink it out of one these cups I hand decorated. That doesn't sound to manly does it?
Russell
What happened to percolators? Does anybody remember them? I decided to buy a stove top percolator. I figured I had time to actually percolate my coffee. I decided to buy a cheap aluminum percolator I could set on top of the stove. I went to the grocery store, nada! I went to Walgreen's, zilch! I went to Target, null and void! I actually went to Walmart and they didn't have any percolators either! This was a Super-Walmart too. Ace Hardware had a camping percolator, the kind you use on a campfire for Chrisakes! I felt like I was asking for a buggy whip.
I think I could buy a percolator online. It would probably be manufactured in India. Somehow it just seems crazy to go online in order satisfy some bizarre retro tech impulse for genuine percolated coffee. But then again I am blogging about it.
One day I found an online store that sells old fashioned candy. Not homemade candy, just brands and flavors that haven't been popular since the Eisenhower Administration. That is so weird because who would buy it? Nobody that ever ate the stuff shops online and nobody online ever heard of this crap. Well there is me of course. I mean it's tempting but I remember how bad Necco Wafers really were and I only buy stuff for my daughter online.
Maybe I will look for a percolator on the net. Right now I'm going to load up the Mr. Coffee dripolator and drink some manly coffee in a manly way out of a manly mug! Well actually I am going to drink it out of one these cups I hand decorated. That doesn't sound to manly does it?
Russell
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
Cartoon Physics
I think this may be my first incarnation. I just don't seem to have the hang of it. Have you ever gotten some of that Ikea furniture and somehow lost the directions? There you were with all this one sided veneer particle board, assorted bolts, some unidentifiable slotted metal cylinders, an odd number of tiny wooden dowels, and some kind of pygmy wrench. Remember how lost and confused you felt? I don't feel that way all the time, sometimes I am in denial. That's fun! But then reality yanks the floor out from under me. It's like cartoon physics.
I believe in cartoon physics. Cartoon physics is so much more relate-able than are quantum physics or relativity. Einstein and Schrodinger had nothing on Tex Avery! Schrodinger and Einstein had some good ideas I guess but they didn't know how to defy gravity! Tex Avery understood how to do it. It's the first law of cartoon physics. You can in fact walk on air as long as you don't look down! That's where I go wrong every time. I just can't help looking down, and there I am standing on nothing!
Life is a pop quiz in a subject I didn't know I was taking this semester. I'm here doing improvisation because I have the wrong script! That's how I feel when I pay attention. Fortunately I rarely pay attention. Nearly all the time I am blithely strolling along on thin air. Only occasionally does some shiny bit of reality distract me. Then I realize how unprepared I am. It's damn uncomfortable!
There are those people who always seem to have it together. Those people that always say the right thing. Those people who seem to have it all figured out. I am probably being petty but I like to believe those people are fakes.
Russell
I believe in cartoon physics. Cartoon physics is so much more relate-able than are quantum physics or relativity. Einstein and Schrodinger had nothing on Tex Avery! Schrodinger and Einstein had some good ideas I guess but they didn't know how to defy gravity! Tex Avery understood how to do it. It's the first law of cartoon physics. You can in fact walk on air as long as you don't look down! That's where I go wrong every time. I just can't help looking down, and there I am standing on nothing!
Life is a pop quiz in a subject I didn't know I was taking this semester. I'm here doing improvisation because I have the wrong script! That's how I feel when I pay attention. Fortunately I rarely pay attention. Nearly all the time I am blithely strolling along on thin air. Only occasionally does some shiny bit of reality distract me. Then I realize how unprepared I am. It's damn uncomfortable!
There are those people who always seem to have it together. Those people that always say the right thing. Those people who seem to have it all figured out. I am probably being petty but I like to believe those people are fakes.
Russell
Thursday, September 13, 2012
Romney's Song
I was irritated by Mitt Romney's craven politically motivated comments regarding the attacks on our embassy and our president. So I wrote a song. It's to the tune of "Wake Up Little Suzy" by the Everly Brothers. It's called "Shut Up Mitt Romney." Here it is;
Shut up, Mitt Romney, Shut Up!
Shut up, Mitt Romney, Shut Up!
You're completely full of shit!
You're such a stupid git!
You opened your mouth!
And the bull came out!
And that bull is full of shit!
Shut up, Mitt Romney, Shut Up!
Shut up, Mitt Romney, Shut Up!
You're such a stupid ass!
You really have no class!
You're campaign went south!
So you opened your mouth!
And you really showed your ass!
Shut up, Mitt Romney, Shut Up!
Shut up, Mitt Romney, Shut Up!
Why don't you just shut up?!
Russell
Shut up, Mitt Romney, Shut Up!
Shut up, Mitt Romney, Shut Up!
You're completely full of shit!
You're such a stupid git!
You opened your mouth!
And the bull came out!
And that bull is full of shit!
Shut up, Mitt Romney, Shut Up!
Shut up, Mitt Romney, Shut Up!
You're such a stupid ass!
You really have no class!
You're campaign went south!
So you opened your mouth!
And you really showed your ass!
Shut up, Mitt Romney, Shut Up!
Shut up, Mitt Romney, Shut Up!
Why don't you just shut up?!
Russell
Saturday, September 8, 2012
My Dharma
I've been trying to enlarge my spiritual life. Some times I am not even sure what that means. Here is the deal, I have found that I sometimes act like a jerk. Actually it may not be an act! Whatever! is the reality I want to change it. I want to be a much better person than I am. I have tried on my own for years but never really seemed to get anywhere. A lot of people have suggested asking a god of my understanding (they said God as if it was somebody's name but I know it's not) for help. This is tough to do when you have no god of your understanding. I have always figured any god I could understand wouldn't really be anything like a real god. If I understand it, it is not God, in other words. So you see that makes me pretty much an agnostic. It sucks, I want to be a better person, but consistently fail on my own. I can ask a god I understand to help me but I do not have one. And I know that if I did have one it would not really be God! So there!
I used to say I was an atheist. That was based on the fact that I have no theology. I thought atheist was short for a-theological you know, without a theology an a-theist. I am definitely not a theist. Apparently being non theist is not being atheist, who knew? I sure as hell didn't! Oh that's something else I do not believe in either, hell. Hell, from my infidel viewpoint, seems more important to most true believers than heaven. They seem to dwell on it more. The Devil seems pretty popular with the true believers too. (That's probably not a nice thing to say but, damn it it's true!) I have to admit I do admire Lucifer as portrayed in Milton's "Paradise Lost." God has devastated the rebel angels and Lucifer is literally flat on his back in a lake of fire (I hate it when that happens!) but instead of whining and crying he defiantly states, "better to rule in Hell than to serve in Heaven!" Man what a stud! I digress, enough sympathy for the Devil, that's not the main thing. The thing is how theology gets so complicated. A lot of these Christians (maybe Jews too) are not monotheists they really have two gods, God and the Devil, and they believe in both. I definitely do not believe in the Devil. I am iffy about God.
I turned non believer as a child. I asked for evidence and of course there is none so I quit believing in God. I got interested in spiritual matters after trying LSD. I had a buddy who was into Alan Watts (a translator of eastern spiritual traditions for westerners) and I read "The Book" by Alan Watts, it was awesome! I really got turned on to Zen concepts. (Zen practice not so much!) These eastern traditions seemed more organic, they have spirituality inhabiting everything. Western traditions seem to posit two planes one is the sacred plane, the other one, this plane we live on, is profane. Eastern traditions seem to posit only one plane, this one, which is either sacred or profane depending on your level of awareness. I like the eastern (as I see it) paradigm. The thing is this viewpoint does not include the supernatural. There is no separate reality where God the creator lives. There is just reality and it's either holy or not depending on how you see it. Sometimes I see it holy and those times God is everything, a lot of the time I don't, and these times God is nothing.
It must be so comforting to "know" that the almighty creator has your back 24, seven and that he loves you and all that sort of stuff. I tell you though and it is true, there is no act of faith more profound than praying to a god you doubt even exists! I am not bragging! I think really believing is a mental luxury I will never get to experience and in a way, I am kind of jealous I guess.
The reason I decided to expand my spiritual life was not the pursuit of mental luxury. It is because it seems to help me act like a better person than I naturally am. So I started attending and reading "A Course In Miracles." Now I won't even touch the premise of the course, it's quite bizarre. I don't care about that since I just want the karma not the dogma. Let the karma run over the dogma as they say. So there I was reading the text which is written in very dense logical extrapolations which are deliberate mind benders and I start wondering if the authors were on LSD when they wrote it. The sentences sounded like the stuff people say when they are using psychedelics for philosophical purposes and they're tripping their brains out! Spirituality is tough for guys like me.
Russell
I used to say I was an atheist. That was based on the fact that I have no theology. I thought atheist was short for a-theological you know, without a theology an a-theist. I am definitely not a theist. Apparently being non theist is not being atheist, who knew? I sure as hell didn't! Oh that's something else I do not believe in either, hell. Hell, from my infidel viewpoint, seems more important to most true believers than heaven. They seem to dwell on it more. The Devil seems pretty popular with the true believers too. (That's probably not a nice thing to say but, damn it it's true!) I have to admit I do admire Lucifer as portrayed in Milton's "Paradise Lost." God has devastated the rebel angels and Lucifer is literally flat on his back in a lake of fire (I hate it when that happens!) but instead of whining and crying he defiantly states, "better to rule in Hell than to serve in Heaven!" Man what a stud! I digress, enough sympathy for the Devil, that's not the main thing. The thing is how theology gets so complicated. A lot of these Christians (maybe Jews too) are not monotheists they really have two gods, God and the Devil, and they believe in both. I definitely do not believe in the Devil. I am iffy about God.
I turned non believer as a child. I asked for evidence and of course there is none so I quit believing in God. I got interested in spiritual matters after trying LSD. I had a buddy who was into Alan Watts (a translator of eastern spiritual traditions for westerners) and I read "The Book" by Alan Watts, it was awesome! I really got turned on to Zen concepts. (Zen practice not so much!) These eastern traditions seemed more organic, they have spirituality inhabiting everything. Western traditions seem to posit two planes one is the sacred plane, the other one, this plane we live on, is profane. Eastern traditions seem to posit only one plane, this one, which is either sacred or profane depending on your level of awareness. I like the eastern (as I see it) paradigm. The thing is this viewpoint does not include the supernatural. There is no separate reality where God the creator lives. There is just reality and it's either holy or not depending on how you see it. Sometimes I see it holy and those times God is everything, a lot of the time I don't, and these times God is nothing.
It must be so comforting to "know" that the almighty creator has your back 24, seven and that he loves you and all that sort of stuff. I tell you though and it is true, there is no act of faith more profound than praying to a god you doubt even exists! I am not bragging! I think really believing is a mental luxury I will never get to experience and in a way, I am kind of jealous I guess.
The reason I decided to expand my spiritual life was not the pursuit of mental luxury. It is because it seems to help me act like a better person than I naturally am. So I started attending and reading "A Course In Miracles." Now I won't even touch the premise of the course, it's quite bizarre. I don't care about that since I just want the karma not the dogma. Let the karma run over the dogma as they say. So there I was reading the text which is written in very dense logical extrapolations which are deliberate mind benders and I start wondering if the authors were on LSD when they wrote it. The sentences sounded like the stuff people say when they are using psychedelics for philosophical purposes and they're tripping their brains out! Spirituality is tough for guys like me.
Russell
Saturday, September 1, 2012
Quit Being A Loser
The stuff that we think is important isn't and the stuff we take for granted or even ignore is all that actually matters. If I just listed these it might come off as insipid or sanctimonious and I hate insipid and sanctimonious so I won't do that. A bunch of years ago we used to play cards with friends. This was back when I was married. I tend toward competitiveness and I always wanted to win. Actually I got obsessed with winning. I understand simple games and can make myself recall which cards have been played. I would concentrate on who had played which cards and did my best to be a fierce competitor. When my partner made an error in play or things just went wrong due to erratic play by another I got pissed! To me the point of playing was to win and the seeming incompetence of others ruined the game. The truth of course was that I ruined the game!
I thought the point of the game was to win! I was wrong of course. The point of the game was to enjoy the company of my ex and our friends! When I was a kid I got really upset when my older sister beat me at Monopoly! I was sure she cheated (I was probably right!) and it was totally frustrating to play against her, as I, being honest, had no chance. At age six I probably couldn't understand that the real objective of the game was not bankrupting my cheating sister but enjoying her company. I cannot blame my six-year-old self for this sort of confusion. The same sort of confusion is not limited to games. It seems to me this sort of confusion is pervasive and shows up in most areas of our lives. At one time it may have been mostly an American phenomenon but nowadays the rat race has gone global.
There is a certain cynical satisfaction in seeing billions of people worldwide exchanging any prospect of true happiness for the pursuit of happiness. I remember as a teen my dad once telling me that he earned a salary and owned a house in order to give us a good life. He said he would be fine living in a cabin and fishing all day. My response of course was we should do that, live in a cabin and fish all day. He told me I needed to grow up. The truth is circumstances whether they be a suburban tract house or a cabin in the woods are ultimately irrelevant! Now I do like clean sheets and comfortable shoes. I don't want to be exploited or mistreated. The point is, mistreaters and exploiters do that shit in order to win! They are bad sports, they are cheating at Monopoly or throwing the board in the air and accusing others of cheating, they are counting cards and missing the point of playing in the first place. The only real joy comes from how well you play with others.
Does this mean we should be insipid and sanctimonious? Hell no! Who enjoys any game that doesn't involve any challenge at all? Adults don't play Candy Land with other adults, it's a game for small children and no adult dreams of beating the shit out of their kid at Candy Land. Competition is good when it's fair and friendly but the win at any cost credo is really for losers. Fair play on a level playing field with the goal of appreciating and enjoying other players is the only way to win at life, in other words to be happy. Until we come around to realizing this simple truth we will remain victims and bullies, neither of whom is happy, both of whom are losers.
The good news is, all we need to do in order to bring about true happiness, is recognize what we really want and need. Nobody can prevent you from finding happiness in the pleasure of others and working toward that end.
Russell
I thought the point of the game was to win! I was wrong of course. The point of the game was to enjoy the company of my ex and our friends! When I was a kid I got really upset when my older sister beat me at Monopoly! I was sure she cheated (I was probably right!) and it was totally frustrating to play against her, as I, being honest, had no chance. At age six I probably couldn't understand that the real objective of the game was not bankrupting my cheating sister but enjoying her company. I cannot blame my six-year-old self for this sort of confusion. The same sort of confusion is not limited to games. It seems to me this sort of confusion is pervasive and shows up in most areas of our lives. At one time it may have been mostly an American phenomenon but nowadays the rat race has gone global.
There is a certain cynical satisfaction in seeing billions of people worldwide exchanging any prospect of true happiness for the pursuit of happiness. I remember as a teen my dad once telling me that he earned a salary and owned a house in order to give us a good life. He said he would be fine living in a cabin and fishing all day. My response of course was we should do that, live in a cabin and fish all day. He told me I needed to grow up. The truth is circumstances whether they be a suburban tract house or a cabin in the woods are ultimately irrelevant! Now I do like clean sheets and comfortable shoes. I don't want to be exploited or mistreated. The point is, mistreaters and exploiters do that shit in order to win! They are bad sports, they are cheating at Monopoly or throwing the board in the air and accusing others of cheating, they are counting cards and missing the point of playing in the first place. The only real joy comes from how well you play with others.
Does this mean we should be insipid and sanctimonious? Hell no! Who enjoys any game that doesn't involve any challenge at all? Adults don't play Candy Land with other adults, it's a game for small children and no adult dreams of beating the shit out of their kid at Candy Land. Competition is good when it's fair and friendly but the win at any cost credo is really for losers. Fair play on a level playing field with the goal of appreciating and enjoying other players is the only way to win at life, in other words to be happy. Until we come around to realizing this simple truth we will remain victims and bullies, neither of whom is happy, both of whom are losers.
The good news is, all we need to do in order to bring about true happiness, is recognize what we really want and need. Nobody can prevent you from finding happiness in the pleasure of others and working toward that end.
Russell
Saturday, August 25, 2012
The Denny's Test For Politicians
I can't decide if the political campaign season is too dirty or not nearly dirty enough. I didn't mind Joe Biden's remarks about Mitt Romney wanting to "put y'all back in chains." I did mind the official explanation that it was just an innocent gaff, that even though the audience was mostly African American it was not a reference to slavery. I figure that if you reference slavery you should own it. They should have said, "Romney has a secret plan to re-institute slavery" or, "Romney is going to essentially re-institute slavery" or at least, "y'all going to be virtual slaves!" If you say something mean it! And then Romney starts joking around about birth certificates but says he didn't mean anything by it. That's pretty chicken too! He should have just said what he meant like, "President Obama is in fact a bastard!" or, "who knows where this bastard in the White House comes from?"
The Republicans call Obama a socialist, I guess that's pretty negative. Then again Helen Keller was a socialist. They should just say he is the son of Joseph Stalin, that would play into the birther thing too. Democrats could say that not only did Romney strap the family pets to the roof his station wagon he tied their black servants up there too! We could really get this campaign stuff going maybe. It is too bad that Newt Gingrich is out because the Democrats could start their own birther issue by suggesting he is the bastard son of the Michelin Man! Sorry about that but it is hard to come up with really entertaining insults about two such colorless candidates as Obama and Romney (color as in personality not race).
How did we manage to select such drab candidates. Maybe they are both actually genetic experiments. Some mad scientist was trying to come up with the perfect candidate. Maybe they identified a gene associated with personality and managed to eliminate it. Personalities are offensive but the lack of a personality can also be disconcerting. They say that we don't just vote with our heads (IE. for the candidate that is most likely to do things which will benefit us) but also with our hearts (IE. for the candidate we might actually want to hang out with). Hmm... would I rather hang out with Romney or Obama? I suppose I would choose Obama since I can't imagine hanging out with anyone who reminds of Romney. But then again I don't think Obama would be that much fun either.
I might like hanging out with Joe Biden, Ron Paul, Newt Gingrich, Ralph Nader and maybe Sarah Palin. I know it sounds crazy but imagine you're having coffee at Denny's, (a place which requires interesting company to be tolerated) who would you want to be there? Sitting listening to Obama and Romney would be so boring I'd probably turn suicidal! But listening Joe Biden and Ron Paul giving Sarah Palin a hard time for not knowing anything at all might be fun. Of course the truth is I might not want to hang with politicians at all but if I had to hang with politicians I would like to hang out with interesting ones (or at least entertaining ones).
So maybe Mitt and Barack can duke it out over who's least boring. Mitt could say that Obama is so boring that nobody bothered recording his birth. Barack could say Romney is so dull that his dog wouldn't even ride with him, preferring to be strapped precariously to the car's roof. The Democrats could say that even though the last four years have been boring that electing Romney would actually induce a political coma. Republicans could say that the last 12 years of Obama... what it's only four? It certainly has seemed like 12! How long was Gerald Ford the President? Too long! It's the same with either of these guys.
Russell
The Republicans call Obama a socialist, I guess that's pretty negative. Then again Helen Keller was a socialist. They should just say he is the son of Joseph Stalin, that would play into the birther thing too. Democrats could say that not only did Romney strap the family pets to the roof his station wagon he tied their black servants up there too! We could really get this campaign stuff going maybe. It is too bad that Newt Gingrich is out because the Democrats could start their own birther issue by suggesting he is the bastard son of the Michelin Man! Sorry about that but it is hard to come up with really entertaining insults about two such colorless candidates as Obama and Romney (color as in personality not race).
How did we manage to select such drab candidates. Maybe they are both actually genetic experiments. Some mad scientist was trying to come up with the perfect candidate. Maybe they identified a gene associated with personality and managed to eliminate it. Personalities are offensive but the lack of a personality can also be disconcerting. They say that we don't just vote with our heads (IE. for the candidate that is most likely to do things which will benefit us) but also with our hearts (IE. for the candidate we might actually want to hang out with). Hmm... would I rather hang out with Romney or Obama? I suppose I would choose Obama since I can't imagine hanging out with anyone who reminds of Romney. But then again I don't think Obama would be that much fun either.
I might like hanging out with Joe Biden, Ron Paul, Newt Gingrich, Ralph Nader and maybe Sarah Palin. I know it sounds crazy but imagine you're having coffee at Denny's, (a place which requires interesting company to be tolerated) who would you want to be there? Sitting listening to Obama and Romney would be so boring I'd probably turn suicidal! But listening Joe Biden and Ron Paul giving Sarah Palin a hard time for not knowing anything at all might be fun. Of course the truth is I might not want to hang with politicians at all but if I had to hang with politicians I would like to hang out with interesting ones (or at least entertaining ones).
So maybe Mitt and Barack can duke it out over who's least boring. Mitt could say that Obama is so boring that nobody bothered recording his birth. Barack could say Romney is so dull that his dog wouldn't even ride with him, preferring to be strapped precariously to the car's roof. The Democrats could say that even though the last four years have been boring that electing Romney would actually induce a political coma. Republicans could say that the last 12 years of Obama... what it's only four? It certainly has seemed like 12! How long was Gerald Ford the President? Too long! It's the same with either of these guys.
Russell
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
Is Truth Dead?
So everybody is upset about Tod Akin's ignoramus remarks about what he called legitimate rape cases. The politicians are embarrassed and pretty much everyone else is awe struck by his shocking stupidity. But should we be? I don't think so. Our culture has been anti intellectual for decades. Now it has become anti intelligence. We have become so stupid that we don't even understand the idea of facts. We think there are just competing beliefs and any one of them is as valid as any other.
Today there is something called "creation science" or "intelligent design" and people want it taught as a science! What has happened? How did we get so stupid? It's not the fault of the religious fundamentalist nut jobs. They have always been there. We used to ignore them the way you ignore your wack-job uncle or your crazy aunt who routinely channels her dead cat fluffy. Now as a culture we have decided that channeling dead cats is a valid scientific endeavor. A lot of this is the result of politically avaricious exploitation of these benighted boobs. And some of it is just a craven sort of codependency. We are so afraid of offending people! Now don't get me wrong I'm not in favor of rudeness. But shit, people need to know they are dumb-asses, when they are trying to indoctrinate others into some dumb-ass "theory."
I was watching another episode of "Ancient Aliens" on the History Channel (guilty pleasure). There is this crazy guy on there that refers to himself as an "ancient alien theorist!" I mean it's funny but these people use the word theory and theorist when they should use the words fantasy and crackpot! I cracked up when this bizarre individual in an ascot and and a purple suit with his hair combed straight up, started talking about some UFOs which had been "breaking every single law of physics." How do you break every law of physics? Once it's broken is it still a law? These guys obviously do not know anything about physics or science or archaeology. At least one may be on the cutting edge of fashion! But not science.
People lump religious mythology and wacko pseudo-science baloney in with physics, chemistry and biology and give them all equal validity. Idiots believe they can dismiss evolution because it is a theory just like ancient aliens or creationism. I wonder what keeps them on the planet, after all gravity is just another theory! It is funny until these fools gain political sway, then it's dangerous. Welcome to the new dark ages!
I work as a counselor and I'm sorry but it's more art than science. Nowadays they have something new in social "sciences" it's called "evidence based practices." It's our way of pretending to be a science. It's based in politics. Politicians want to fund scientific counseling. So some professor conducts an experiment and has evidence his or her methodology is effective. People set out to carry out the same methodology in their practices because politicians require them to conduct evidence based practice. When it doesn't work out the practitioner is held at fault for failing to adhere closely enough to the methodology. That's not science! When physicists were unable to achieve cold fusion by following the methodology of some researchers claiming to have achieved cold fusion they were not criticized! The researchers retracted their claims they admitted their error! That's science!
Today science and the scientific method are beyond most people's comprehension, there are no facts, everything is just a matter of opinion and all opinions are to be considered equal. I like yoga but I don't think it has much to do with quantum mechanics but I'm sure some cosmically conscious guru can explain how they are essentially the same. Nowadays children are forced to learn lies like creationism because craven politicians lust after the money and votes of insecure true believers with minds of small dogs. Government funded counseling centers carry out so-called evidence based practices and manipulate their outcomes to conform with expected results rather than relying on the skill of clinicians.
The truth is dead! I for one mourn it's passing.
Russell
Today there is something called "creation science" or "intelligent design" and people want it taught as a science! What has happened? How did we get so stupid? It's not the fault of the religious fundamentalist nut jobs. They have always been there. We used to ignore them the way you ignore your wack-job uncle or your crazy aunt who routinely channels her dead cat fluffy. Now as a culture we have decided that channeling dead cats is a valid scientific endeavor. A lot of this is the result of politically avaricious exploitation of these benighted boobs. And some of it is just a craven sort of codependency. We are so afraid of offending people! Now don't get me wrong I'm not in favor of rudeness. But shit, people need to know they are dumb-asses, when they are trying to indoctrinate others into some dumb-ass "theory."
I was watching another episode of "Ancient Aliens" on the History Channel (guilty pleasure). There is this crazy guy on there that refers to himself as an "ancient alien theorist!" I mean it's funny but these people use the word theory and theorist when they should use the words fantasy and crackpot! I cracked up when this bizarre individual in an ascot and and a purple suit with his hair combed straight up, started talking about some UFOs which had been "breaking every single law of physics." How do you break every law of physics? Once it's broken is it still a law? These guys obviously do not know anything about physics or science or archaeology. At least one may be on the cutting edge of fashion! But not science.
People lump religious mythology and wacko pseudo-science baloney in with physics, chemistry and biology and give them all equal validity. Idiots believe they can dismiss evolution because it is a theory just like ancient aliens or creationism. I wonder what keeps them on the planet, after all gravity is just another theory! It is funny until these fools gain political sway, then it's dangerous. Welcome to the new dark ages!
I work as a counselor and I'm sorry but it's more art than science. Nowadays they have something new in social "sciences" it's called "evidence based practices." It's our way of pretending to be a science. It's based in politics. Politicians want to fund scientific counseling. So some professor conducts an experiment and has evidence his or her methodology is effective. People set out to carry out the same methodology in their practices because politicians require them to conduct evidence based practice. When it doesn't work out the practitioner is held at fault for failing to adhere closely enough to the methodology. That's not science! When physicists were unable to achieve cold fusion by following the methodology of some researchers claiming to have achieved cold fusion they were not criticized! The researchers retracted their claims they admitted their error! That's science!
Today science and the scientific method are beyond most people's comprehension, there are no facts, everything is just a matter of opinion and all opinions are to be considered equal. I like yoga but I don't think it has much to do with quantum mechanics but I'm sure some cosmically conscious guru can explain how they are essentially the same. Nowadays children are forced to learn lies like creationism because craven politicians lust after the money and votes of insecure true believers with minds of small dogs. Government funded counseling centers carry out so-called evidence based practices and manipulate their outcomes to conform with expected results rather than relying on the skill of clinicians.
The truth is dead! I for one mourn it's passing.
Russell
Thursday, August 9, 2012
The Least Interesting Man In The World
Can you imagine just how boring the next President is going to be? Remember how exciting Obama seemed to be last time? Now you realize just how boring he actually is! I'm not sure but I bet Mitt Romney is even less interesting. The only fascinating thing about either of these guys are their names. Barack is a pretty weird name, too bad it belongs to a guy who could be more accurately named Ho Hum. Ho Hum Obama is still a pretty weird name though. Mitt? Really! Who gets a name like Mitt? Actually it's a nickname his real moniker is Willard! Now that fits him! Willard Romney amateur philatelist wants to be your president. Because Willard was too fitting for him Willard decided to name himself after a baseball glove. Who does that? Suppose Mitt was already taken what would he have called himself? Golf Tee Romney? Helmet Romney? Jock Strap Romney? You know who was accurately named? Newt Gingrich! Sounds like some sort of skin disease afflicting salamanders. Too bad he's no longer a candidate. Fortunately he's still a media whore. The next four years we are probably going to have the least interesting man ever in the Oval Office.
Outside of politics I think those Tuttle guys on "American Chopper" are not interesting at all. I mean a show based on a father and son who yell at each other! Who's brainchild was that? I do like the bikes. But the fact that they're built by a temperamental old grouch and his whiner son is not fascinating at all! I have a suggestion, they should have Ben Stein narrate all the dialogue on "American Chopper." Now that would be interesting! Until that happens The Paul Sr. and Jr. will remain the least interesting men on a reality show.
You know who else is pretty fucking worthless? Tosh point O, or is it Tosh Zero? It should be zero because he is zero funny. Seinfeld was supposed to be about nothing. Tosh is nothing. I admit he does know how to be offensive and maybe that is something. I don't mind offensive if there's a point to it. I agree with John Cleese who famously said that "some people need to be offended." It is good to offend those people. People who watch Tosh Zero are those people. They should stick to gawking at traffic accidents, ogling maggots, lighting farts and shopping at Spencer's Gifts so that the airwaves an be free of stupid buffoons like Tosh Zero. He's the world's least interesting comedian.
George Will hasn't had an original thought since 1980, Rush Limbaugh is a big fat boor! George Stephanopoulos has nothing to say, Robin McNeil is dead. I could go on but why? All the TV talking heads except Stephen Colbert and John Stewart are absolutely uninteresting. Do you really need to listen to Ed Shultz or Bill O'Reilly to know exactly what they think about anything? If you do, you're either five years old and should stick to Sponge Bob, or you are Sponge Bob. All these people are in a dead heat for being the least interesting commentators on TV.
I'm bored with most sports personalities too. Have you ever listened to Mike Tyson? You will never get that time back! It's gone forever, utterly wasted! But don't feel too bad you would have wasted just as much time listening to any sports figure. I know some people really like listening to sports talk (they will never read this) they even like quoting sports figures. They use sports metaphors in conversation. These people are truly the least interesting people in the world.
I don't drink beer anymore but if I did it would be a whole lot of beer. Drink life and stay thirsty my friends.
Russell
Outside of politics I think those Tuttle guys on "American Chopper" are not interesting at all. I mean a show based on a father and son who yell at each other! Who's brainchild was that? I do like the bikes. But the fact that they're built by a temperamental old grouch and his whiner son is not fascinating at all! I have a suggestion, they should have Ben Stein narrate all the dialogue on "American Chopper." Now that would be interesting! Until that happens The Paul Sr. and Jr. will remain the least interesting men on a reality show.
You know who else is pretty fucking worthless? Tosh point O, or is it Tosh Zero? It should be zero because he is zero funny. Seinfeld was supposed to be about nothing. Tosh is nothing. I admit he does know how to be offensive and maybe that is something. I don't mind offensive if there's a point to it. I agree with John Cleese who famously said that "some people need to be offended." It is good to offend those people. People who watch Tosh Zero are those people. They should stick to gawking at traffic accidents, ogling maggots, lighting farts and shopping at Spencer's Gifts so that the airwaves an be free of stupid buffoons like Tosh Zero. He's the world's least interesting comedian.
George Will hasn't had an original thought since 1980, Rush Limbaugh is a big fat boor! George Stephanopoulos has nothing to say, Robin McNeil is dead. I could go on but why? All the TV talking heads except Stephen Colbert and John Stewart are absolutely uninteresting. Do you really need to listen to Ed Shultz or Bill O'Reilly to know exactly what they think about anything? If you do, you're either five years old and should stick to Sponge Bob, or you are Sponge Bob. All these people are in a dead heat for being the least interesting commentators on TV.
I'm bored with most sports personalities too. Have you ever listened to Mike Tyson? You will never get that time back! It's gone forever, utterly wasted! But don't feel too bad you would have wasted just as much time listening to any sports figure. I know some people really like listening to sports talk (they will never read this) they even like quoting sports figures. They use sports metaphors in conversation. These people are truly the least interesting people in the world.
I don't drink beer anymore but if I did it would be a whole lot of beer. Drink life and stay thirsty my friends.
Russell
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
"No eternal reward will forgive us now for wasting the dawn" - Jim Morrison
Why is some murder punished and other murder rewarded? It makes absolutely no sense at all. We say we believe in law and order, that we are a country of laws but, that's a lie! We talk about America as a country of fairness under the law, again a lie. There are crimes we punish and crimes we reward. The crimes we reward are far worse than the ones we punish! We are essentially a criminal organization run for the benefit of the biggest criminals. We punish the petty criminals to keep the sheep in line.
The above may sound crazy like some lunatic raving but the facts bear it out. Take a mild example, say "mountain top removal." If you were some kind of a jerk wad vandal and went around "tagging" other people's property, well that would be a crime. And if you were caught you would be rightly punished. Now say you are some mega fucking corporation and instead of defacing some merchant's store front, you're flat out leveling one of the wonders of nature, murdering countless wildlife, poisoning the air and dumping your shit into pristine mountain streams, well you get a big fucking reward for that crime! If destroying mountains isn't a sin then nothing is! Yet we persist in punishing other lesser crimes.
Scientists recently confirmed that the BP oil spill is responsible for the deaths of hundreds if not thousands of sea mammals, as well as birds, fish and probably turtles. BP has responded by sponsoring a public relations campaign for the coastal states they poisoned. The campaign is designed to white wash the disaster they created. Meanwhile your neighborhood association can foreclose on you if fail to maintain your lawn adequately.
Do you know that the Coca Cola Company has a goal of buying all the water rights in developing countries? They want to sell water to victims of drought. Monsanto has virtually taken over agriculture in India. Through their genetic modification scheme they are the soul source of seed for Indian farmers. Their prices are so high that subsistence farmers cannot afford them. The farmers have become so distraught that suicide has become an epidemic in rural India. Thank you Monsanto, thank you Coca Cola. Coca Cola wants the world to sing in perfect harmony but only for the pleasure of their corporate overlords.
Bob Dylan said "money doesn't talk it swears." Shit he said that decades before corporate feudalism was secretly installed as our actual political and economic system. This system rewarded the corporations that ruined our economy. The Wall Street criminals that pedaled bogus securities based on fraudulent mortgages were rewarded. Their victims lost their homes. If you write a hot check you can be arrested, you will pay fees and fines and maybe get a criminal record. If your bank writes a hot check they'll get a bail out and their CEO will get a bonus, but only if they are a big ass bank!
What can you do? We may not have passed the point where some form of peaceful reform can take place but, we are headed for that point at break neck speed. The amoral philosophy of unfettered corporate greed has turned into some kind of hell bound juggernaut! "Casey Jones you better watch your speed."
Russell
The above may sound crazy like some lunatic raving but the facts bear it out. Take a mild example, say "mountain top removal." If you were some kind of a jerk wad vandal and went around "tagging" other people's property, well that would be a crime. And if you were caught you would be rightly punished. Now say you are some mega fucking corporation and instead of defacing some merchant's store front, you're flat out leveling one of the wonders of nature, murdering countless wildlife, poisoning the air and dumping your shit into pristine mountain streams, well you get a big fucking reward for that crime! If destroying mountains isn't a sin then nothing is! Yet we persist in punishing other lesser crimes.
Scientists recently confirmed that the BP oil spill is responsible for the deaths of hundreds if not thousands of sea mammals, as well as birds, fish and probably turtles. BP has responded by sponsoring a public relations campaign for the coastal states they poisoned. The campaign is designed to white wash the disaster they created. Meanwhile your neighborhood association can foreclose on you if fail to maintain your lawn adequately.
Do you know that the Coca Cola Company has a goal of buying all the water rights in developing countries? They want to sell water to victims of drought. Monsanto has virtually taken over agriculture in India. Through their genetic modification scheme they are the soul source of seed for Indian farmers. Their prices are so high that subsistence farmers cannot afford them. The farmers have become so distraught that suicide has become an epidemic in rural India. Thank you Monsanto, thank you Coca Cola. Coca Cola wants the world to sing in perfect harmony but only for the pleasure of their corporate overlords.
Bob Dylan said "money doesn't talk it swears." Shit he said that decades before corporate feudalism was secretly installed as our actual political and economic system. This system rewarded the corporations that ruined our economy. The Wall Street criminals that pedaled bogus securities based on fraudulent mortgages were rewarded. Their victims lost their homes. If you write a hot check you can be arrested, you will pay fees and fines and maybe get a criminal record. If your bank writes a hot check they'll get a bail out and their CEO will get a bonus, but only if they are a big ass bank!
What can you do? We may not have passed the point where some form of peaceful reform can take place but, we are headed for that point at break neck speed. The amoral philosophy of unfettered corporate greed has turned into some kind of hell bound juggernaut! "Casey Jones you better watch your speed."
Russell
Sunday, July 22, 2012
Living In The Mean Time
Everybody has been talking about the recent massacre in Aurora Colorado. In some of the media and from some friends I have heard the concern that this guy was a genius and that geniuses are liable to pull this kind of crap. I disagree, on the whole I think stupid people are much more likely to kill people than smart people are. Killing people just seems like a stupid thing to do. Isn't "stupid is as stupid does" a line from Forest Gump? Not that I think we should be quaking in fear of stupid people either. Most of them are just as innocuous as your typical Mensa member. I think the problem with evil geniuses is that like most intelligent people they are just really good at what they do. Dumb killers don't go about systematic planning, they just get a hankering to kill folks and act on it without planning or forethought. Evil dumb-asses just grab a weapon and start killing. Clearly monitoring of intelligent people is a red herring in regards to preventing massacres.
Of course a lot of people are amazed at the rapidity with which this latest nut-job managed to amass a cache of weapons. This concerns me too. I don't, think any amount of gun control can stop a dedicated killer. At the same time it would seem that this particular killer's preparatory behaviors should have aroused some official concern somewhere, but it doesn't sound like it did. Europeans will be shaking their heads and fingers at us once again. I remember being on vacation in Germany a whole bunch of years ago. We asked some Germans about going for walk in their town (we really just wanted to make sure we didn't get lost). The Germans enthusiastically assured us that it was indeed safe to walk in their town. They actually told us nobody would shoot at us! We lived in Houston at the time and had not yet had to shoot our way out of the neighborhood we lived in. The Germans seemed to presume we routinely engaged in gun battles. The truth is that Germany has more shooting massacres than we do on a per capita basis (according to a report on NPR). If you look at Europe as a whole instead of country by country and compare it to us they are just as violent and crazy as we are. So controlling access to weapons doesn't work out all that well, too bad!
I guess the one thing we always hear is that nobody knew what any of these killers were up to. Sometimes after the massacre all kinds of evidence pops up, and there were warning signs but nobody took them seriously enough, nobody took preventive action. I am unable to blame people too much for their inability to recognize that a friend, family member, coworker or neighbor is about to go berserk and start killing people. I have a lot of friends and always have had. I have had friends do all kinds of stuff that I never could have anticipated. Later the evidence was clear, after the fact. People are unpredictable. They do some crazy shit! I have done some crazy shit! I am not worried that me or any of my friends are going to commit a massacre. That's the point! Nobody ever expects anybody they know to become a homicidal maniac. I guess we can blow off the idea of developing some profile we can all measure our buddies against, "Ed seemed a little short with the waitress earlier, do you think he could be planning some kind of genocide?" That conversation is never going to happen.
So what do we do? All we can do is appreciate the people in our lives while they last, before they go nuts, before someone mows them down. Chances are it will never happen and even if it does we can enjoy them in the mean time.
Russell
Of course a lot of people are amazed at the rapidity with which this latest nut-job managed to amass a cache of weapons. This concerns me too. I don't, think any amount of gun control can stop a dedicated killer. At the same time it would seem that this particular killer's preparatory behaviors should have aroused some official concern somewhere, but it doesn't sound like it did. Europeans will be shaking their heads and fingers at us once again. I remember being on vacation in Germany a whole bunch of years ago. We asked some Germans about going for walk in their town (we really just wanted to make sure we didn't get lost). The Germans enthusiastically assured us that it was indeed safe to walk in their town. They actually told us nobody would shoot at us! We lived in Houston at the time and had not yet had to shoot our way out of the neighborhood we lived in. The Germans seemed to presume we routinely engaged in gun battles. The truth is that Germany has more shooting massacres than we do on a per capita basis (according to a report on NPR). If you look at Europe as a whole instead of country by country and compare it to us they are just as violent and crazy as we are. So controlling access to weapons doesn't work out all that well, too bad!
I guess the one thing we always hear is that nobody knew what any of these killers were up to. Sometimes after the massacre all kinds of evidence pops up, and there were warning signs but nobody took them seriously enough, nobody took preventive action. I am unable to blame people too much for their inability to recognize that a friend, family member, coworker or neighbor is about to go berserk and start killing people. I have a lot of friends and always have had. I have had friends do all kinds of stuff that I never could have anticipated. Later the evidence was clear, after the fact. People are unpredictable. They do some crazy shit! I have done some crazy shit! I am not worried that me or any of my friends are going to commit a massacre. That's the point! Nobody ever expects anybody they know to become a homicidal maniac. I guess we can blow off the idea of developing some profile we can all measure our buddies against, "Ed seemed a little short with the waitress earlier, do you think he could be planning some kind of genocide?" That conversation is never going to happen.
So what do we do? All we can do is appreciate the people in our lives while they last, before they go nuts, before someone mows them down. Chances are it will never happen and even if it does we can enjoy them in the mean time.
Russell
Saturday, July 7, 2012
Toward More Effective Communication
A friend of mine was describing an argument he'd had. He admitted using some pretty bad language but justified this as being due to someone else's condescending attitude. This other friend of mine said she'd learned how to use the "when you talk to me in a condescending manner it makes me feel..." system of communication to great effect. She allowed that it was difficult to master but said it kept arguments from getting too heated and prevented her and her significant other from saying things they wound up regretting. It got me to thinking.
We are all familiar with this style of arguing I think. I mean therapists have been advocating this "When you..., I feel" stuff for decades right? Still hardly anybody has actually adopted it (actually the above mentioned friend is the only person I have ever heard who admits to arguing this way). I think I know why.
Suppose someone treats you in a really condescending manner and you say, "When you treat me in a condescending manner I feel as if you are devaluing my feelings, would please refrain from condescension when speaking to me?" They respond, "What kind of weenie are you?" So you say, "When you call me a weenie it makes me feel..." Clearly this won't do.
I think I have a solution! Suppose someone talks to you in a condescending manner. So you say, "When you treat me in a condescending manner I feel blah blah blah..." (you know the above). And they respond with more condescension, so now you say, "I'm serious when you behave condescendingly it makes me feel like responding in a less than healthy manner." Of course they insult you again. So now you say, "Honestly your condescending manner is stimulating some potentially dangerous hormone flows in my autonomic nervous system." Again they pop off with an insult. You respond, "Oh dear your insulting behavior has resulted in an almost overwhelming urge to kill."
I think this method of communication just might work. I can imagine using it in lots of different circumstances. For instance imagine someone ignores you, you could respond, "When you ignore me I feel like having sex with your friends in order to get your attention." If somebody is angrily staring at you, you could say, "When you glare at me I wonder where my grapefruit spoons are and if I could scoop your eyes out with one." If you work in a restaurant and some customer is demanding and rude you could say, "I am sorry you are dissatisfied but you know what, It's funny how often dissatisfied customers wind up with intestinal problems."
Learning to communicate clearly and effectively is so important, it truly deserves all our attention.
Russell
We are all familiar with this style of arguing I think. I mean therapists have been advocating this "When you..., I feel" stuff for decades right? Still hardly anybody has actually adopted it (actually the above mentioned friend is the only person I have ever heard who admits to arguing this way). I think I know why.
Suppose someone treats you in a really condescending manner and you say, "When you treat me in a condescending manner I feel as if you are devaluing my feelings, would please refrain from condescension when speaking to me?" They respond, "What kind of weenie are you?" So you say, "When you call me a weenie it makes me feel..." Clearly this won't do.
I think I have a solution! Suppose someone talks to you in a condescending manner. So you say, "When you treat me in a condescending manner I feel blah blah blah..." (you know the above). And they respond with more condescension, so now you say, "I'm serious when you behave condescendingly it makes me feel like responding in a less than healthy manner." Of course they insult you again. So now you say, "Honestly your condescending manner is stimulating some potentially dangerous hormone flows in my autonomic nervous system." Again they pop off with an insult. You respond, "Oh dear your insulting behavior has resulted in an almost overwhelming urge to kill."
I think this method of communication just might work. I can imagine using it in lots of different circumstances. For instance imagine someone ignores you, you could respond, "When you ignore me I feel like having sex with your friends in order to get your attention." If somebody is angrily staring at you, you could say, "When you glare at me I wonder where my grapefruit spoons are and if I could scoop your eyes out with one." If you work in a restaurant and some customer is demanding and rude you could say, "I am sorry you are dissatisfied but you know what, It's funny how often dissatisfied customers wind up with intestinal problems."
Learning to communicate clearly and effectively is so important, it truly deserves all our attention.
Russell
Sunday, July 1, 2012
Freeway Moses Lays Down The Law
I really liked that old Cecil B. DeMille movie The Ten Commandments. Moses became kind of buzz killer in that movie. Everybody was having fun partying down getting funky with their golden calf when Moses shows up with the Ten Commandments and the party is over. I think that whole golden calf worship bit was some kind of sideways sucker punch at Hinduism but what do you expect from hyped up proselytism via Hollywood? But that's not really where I was wanting to go with this.
I was up in the Kingwood area earlier today. Getting there was a real ordeal. I mean the scene on the Gulf Freeway made Exodus look like pleasure trip. People were not behaving well either. It was clear they could benefit from some clear directions, like get out of my way! (Just kidding, sort of) Anyway there was some sort of accident that led to the whole thing coming to a halt for an extended period. This gave my mind an opportunity to wander (it ceases every opportunity it gets).
So in my mind I see Moses coming down the exit ramp with a giant I-pad. He looks pissed! He has just spent 40 days and 40 nights at the Sinai Exit Rest Stop subsisting on vending machine cuisine. His hair has turned grey and his beard is full of fluorescent orange Cheeto dust his eyes are flashing daggers of righteous rage! In a booming voice he harangues all present his voice mystically emanating from car stereos and On-Star systems. The rightness of his message mesmerizes the throng of misguided motorists.
He pronounces the Lords latest commandments;
I - Thou shalt not drive in a sluggish manner in the left lane, and wilt use this thy Lord's lane only to pass!
II - Thou shalt never cross an intersection when the light is red lest thou lose thy soul!
III - Thou shalt not covet thy neighbors parking space!
IV - Thou shalt yield when the sign of the Lord instructs thou to yield!
V - Thou shalt not tailgate!
VI - Thou shalt signal every turn and lane change!
VII - Thou shalt share thy lane with thy neighbor!
VIII - Thou shalt not text while driving!
IX - Thou shalt not obstruct the path of an emergency vehicle!
X - Thou shalt not drive like a %#&@ *&#$ #$&@-ing jerk!
How many commandments do break each day? I've broken them all. I wonder if Freeway Moses could get me to straighten up?
Russell
I was up in the Kingwood area earlier today. Getting there was a real ordeal. I mean the scene on the Gulf Freeway made Exodus look like pleasure trip. People were not behaving well either. It was clear they could benefit from some clear directions, like get out of my way! (Just kidding, sort of) Anyway there was some sort of accident that led to the whole thing coming to a halt for an extended period. This gave my mind an opportunity to wander (it ceases every opportunity it gets).
So in my mind I see Moses coming down the exit ramp with a giant I-pad. He looks pissed! He has just spent 40 days and 40 nights at the Sinai Exit Rest Stop subsisting on vending machine cuisine. His hair has turned grey and his beard is full of fluorescent orange Cheeto dust his eyes are flashing daggers of righteous rage! In a booming voice he harangues all present his voice mystically emanating from car stereos and On-Star systems. The rightness of his message mesmerizes the throng of misguided motorists.
He pronounces the Lords latest commandments;
I - Thou shalt not drive in a sluggish manner in the left lane, and wilt use this thy Lord's lane only to pass!
II - Thou shalt never cross an intersection when the light is red lest thou lose thy soul!
III - Thou shalt not covet thy neighbors parking space!
IV - Thou shalt yield when the sign of the Lord instructs thou to yield!
V - Thou shalt not tailgate!
VI - Thou shalt signal every turn and lane change!
VII - Thou shalt share thy lane with thy neighbor!
VIII - Thou shalt not text while driving!
IX - Thou shalt not obstruct the path of an emergency vehicle!
X - Thou shalt not drive like a %#&@ *&#$ #$&@-ing jerk!
How many commandments do break each day? I've broken them all. I wonder if Freeway Moses could get me to straighten up?
Russell
Friday, June 22, 2012
New Species: Homo Touristas
Okay its officially summer now. Here on the island the beaches are covered with seaweed and tourists and both of them are starting to stink! The weed less so. I know that's a mean thing to say and I'm probably a mean and crabby old dude for saying it but hey I kind of like being mean and crabby. I could lose the old part maybe. Then again being young in my case means being dumb and I've still got plenty of youth if you know what I mean.
There were some good waves the other day so I grabbed my boogie board and fins and caught some fairly decent waves. There really is nothing better than living by the beach. Whether I'm riding my bike, floatin on my cheapo pink inflatable raft, sponge boarding or just baking on the beach with a paperback mystery this is the life. I can't really blame the tourists for coming but they have passed the saturation level. The Seawall has ceased to function as a travel corridor. It is now a slow moving exhibit of the species homo touristas.
A number of years ago after some foreign travel I remember thinking that as a tourist I had to learn to wait in line and follow directions. I decided this was a pretty good approach to life in general. You know, that old "I'm just visiting this planet" attitude. I still feel that way. However I no longer see myself as a tourist, tourists are too disrespectful for me to continue to identify as one. I would like to see myself as some kind of naturalist. Actually that sounds just about right.
Naturalists aren't necessarily scientists but they have that sort of respect and awe that scientists have. My problem is I should probably have that sort of awe for my fellow human beings but I don't. I mean a scientist studying gorillas will spot some silver back with a huge belly gobbling termites and be dumbfounded and inspired. But when I see some hairy back tourist gobbling fried chicken... well inspired isn't the word. Some tourists are more fun to look at than others and there is nothing too scientific about figuring that out.
I am blessed to live somewhere so many people want to be, if only it weren't so easily accessible.
Russell
There were some good waves the other day so I grabbed my boogie board and fins and caught some fairly decent waves. There really is nothing better than living by the beach. Whether I'm riding my bike, floatin on my cheapo pink inflatable raft, sponge boarding or just baking on the beach with a paperback mystery this is the life. I can't really blame the tourists for coming but they have passed the saturation level. The Seawall has ceased to function as a travel corridor. It is now a slow moving exhibit of the species homo touristas.
A number of years ago after some foreign travel I remember thinking that as a tourist I had to learn to wait in line and follow directions. I decided this was a pretty good approach to life in general. You know, that old "I'm just visiting this planet" attitude. I still feel that way. However I no longer see myself as a tourist, tourists are too disrespectful for me to continue to identify as one. I would like to see myself as some kind of naturalist. Actually that sounds just about right.
Naturalists aren't necessarily scientists but they have that sort of respect and awe that scientists have. My problem is I should probably have that sort of awe for my fellow human beings but I don't. I mean a scientist studying gorillas will spot some silver back with a huge belly gobbling termites and be dumbfounded and inspired. But when I see some hairy back tourist gobbling fried chicken... well inspired isn't the word. Some tourists are more fun to look at than others and there is nothing too scientific about figuring that out.
I am blessed to live somewhere so many people want to be, if only it weren't so easily accessible.
Russell
Monday, June 11, 2012
I call my dad pop
My dad is fading away. It's a long slow process. I feel sorry for my dad. In some ways I guess it gives us lots of time to prepare for his death. I just wish his suffering wasn't dragging out so long. Shit! I don't want my dad to suffer at all. I refer to him as dad but to his face I am just as likely to call him Pop. I like that way of referring to my father.
Pop has a nice friendly sound to it. My dad still has some of his sense of humor. I leaned over his bed and asked him if he was giving the staff at his nursing home a hard time. In a breathless whisper he said "yeah." I said "That's good I'm glad to hear that Dad." It may not be a lot but it's a joke we can still share.
My dad and I always joked around. Sometimes we would absolutely flog a pun to death! We would totally punish it! People listening thought it was torture. They felt like victims of some punish inquisition. Once we got started we just kept on racking them up. This kind of really dumb stuff is so cool. I would love to be able to remember every single stupid joke we made.
Dad almost got in trouble with the cops once over one his jokes. Our next door neighbors were avid Democrats and the ones across the street were dedicated Republicans. One election year they got into a serious signage competition. Their front yards sprouted signs like weeds, they even had big signs on the roofs of their cars. It was crazy! So my pop decides to yank their chains. He switches all their signs! The Dem's next door were now supporting the GOP and the Republicans across the street were now supporting the Democrats! It was really funny until the lady next door had a cow and called the fuzz!
A squad car showed up and soon the cops were knocking on our door. The neighborhood kids had narced my dad out! The neighbor lady declined to press charges once she found out it was my dad that had perpetrated this heinous act, probably because they played bridge with my parents.
Dad has played lots of jokes on people. He and I played one on my little sister that sort of backfired. She wanted him to beat with stick one time, probably over being teased by me. She selected one with a nail in it! Dad talked her out of that but did find a suitable board to whack me with. He made her wait outside a closed door while he clobbered the shit out of a sofa cushion and I moaned in mock agony. Then he brought her in while I pseudo whimpered. My baby sister had a satisfied smile on her face all she said was "good." We cracked up laughing! She wasn't too disappointed.
Man I love my dad! I am going to keep making jokes with him for as long as we possibly can.
Russell
Pop has a nice friendly sound to it. My dad still has some of his sense of humor. I leaned over his bed and asked him if he was giving the staff at his nursing home a hard time. In a breathless whisper he said "yeah." I said "That's good I'm glad to hear that Dad." It may not be a lot but it's a joke we can still share.
My dad and I always joked around. Sometimes we would absolutely flog a pun to death! We would totally punish it! People listening thought it was torture. They felt like victims of some punish inquisition. Once we got started we just kept on racking them up. This kind of really dumb stuff is so cool. I would love to be able to remember every single stupid joke we made.
Dad almost got in trouble with the cops once over one his jokes. Our next door neighbors were avid Democrats and the ones across the street were dedicated Republicans. One election year they got into a serious signage competition. Their front yards sprouted signs like weeds, they even had big signs on the roofs of their cars. It was crazy! So my pop decides to yank their chains. He switches all their signs! The Dem's next door were now supporting the GOP and the Republicans across the street were now supporting the Democrats! It was really funny until the lady next door had a cow and called the fuzz!
A squad car showed up and soon the cops were knocking on our door. The neighborhood kids had narced my dad out! The neighbor lady declined to press charges once she found out it was my dad that had perpetrated this heinous act, probably because they played bridge with my parents.
Dad has played lots of jokes on people. He and I played one on my little sister that sort of backfired. She wanted him to beat with stick one time, probably over being teased by me. She selected one with a nail in it! Dad talked her out of that but did find a suitable board to whack me with. He made her wait outside a closed door while he clobbered the shit out of a sofa cushion and I moaned in mock agony. Then he brought her in while I pseudo whimpered. My baby sister had a satisfied smile on her face all she said was "good." We cracked up laughing! She wasn't too disappointed.
Man I love my dad! I am going to keep making jokes with him for as long as we possibly can.
Russell
Thursday, May 10, 2012
Maybe After A Couple More Incarnations?
We are all guilty of it at times. It is probably the most dangerous of human traits. We hate it in others and yet it is absolutely addictive. What the heck am I talking about? Self righteousness. Self righteousness inspires people to bomb abortion clinics, to kill abortion providers, to put fatwas out on cartoonists satirizing Mohamed, to become suicide bombers, to run political attack adds, to engage in road rage, to condemn people, and a bunch of other evil stuff.
We are probably all familiar with the question, "Would you rather be right, or be happy?" The answer is obviously, "I would rather be right, in fact I want to be filled to overflowing with self righteous outrage!" The reason we never admit it is, we blame others for our self righteous anger. Anybody over age 12 should know better than that but, nobody does.
Nobody can solve a problem they fail to admit they have. We as a species need to come to terms with our proclivity for self righteousness. We will probably go extinct if we do not. I suppose what actually makes self righteousness fatal is our instinct to dominate. If we did not try to impose our will on others we would just be miserable but not dangerous.
I am working on this and have made some personal progress but I know I have a long way to go. I have pretty much given up on controlling, so my self righteousness just makes me miserable. Now I let go of it a lot quicker than I used to.
The other day I saw an interview with the Dalai Lama on my TV. His Holiness was asked who his favorite American politician was. To my surprise he said it was George W. Bush. The interviewer seemed taken aback. He asked the Lama why he liked George W. Bush so much, considering many of his warlike policies. The Lama replied that he did not like President Bush's policies but he really liked George W. Bush, he thought he had a charming personality.
I sure do have some ways to go! I doubt I will achieve the Dalai Lama's spiritual clarity for a few lifetimes at the very least. I hope we don't kill ourselves off before I get the chance!
Russell
We are probably all familiar with the question, "Would you rather be right, or be happy?" The answer is obviously, "I would rather be right, in fact I want to be filled to overflowing with self righteous outrage!" The reason we never admit it is, we blame others for our self righteous anger. Anybody over age 12 should know better than that but, nobody does.
Nobody can solve a problem they fail to admit they have. We as a species need to come to terms with our proclivity for self righteousness. We will probably go extinct if we do not. I suppose what actually makes self righteousness fatal is our instinct to dominate. If we did not try to impose our will on others we would just be miserable but not dangerous.
I am working on this and have made some personal progress but I know I have a long way to go. I have pretty much given up on controlling, so my self righteousness just makes me miserable. Now I let go of it a lot quicker than I used to.
The other day I saw an interview with the Dalai Lama on my TV. His Holiness was asked who his favorite American politician was. To my surprise he said it was George W. Bush. The interviewer seemed taken aback. He asked the Lama why he liked George W. Bush so much, considering many of his warlike policies. The Lama replied that he did not like President Bush's policies but he really liked George W. Bush, he thought he had a charming personality.
I sure do have some ways to go! I doubt I will achieve the Dalai Lama's spiritual clarity for a few lifetimes at the very least. I hope we don't kill ourselves off before I get the chance!
Russell
Saturday, May 5, 2012
Why Can't We Be Bad Friends?
According to one of my spiritual references anytime we judge another person we are actually condemning ourselves. I guess there is a heck of a lot of self-condemnation going on because there is certainly a lot of judging. I think I agree with that precept. I know my judgements of others have never led to any actual contentment for me. I also like the idea that judgement is self condemnation because self righteous people really annoy me. I hope that doesn't mean I am judging them! But I bet it does. Still don't you hate it when people make negative assumptions about your intentions?
I am no saint but in general my intentions are benign. I don't think that is at all extraordinary. I think most people I know have done some pretty regrettable stuff. I don't know anyone (well maybe one) who claims to always act from a pure heart. The thing is this, how can we ever be friends with anyone if we expect perfection as a condition of our friendship? I am not sure I would even want a perfect friend.
I know a few people that present themselves as role models for the rest of us. There I go judging again (progress not perfection as they say I guess). Anyway these role model people make me really uncomfortable. They are no fun at all! I liked the part in Huckleberry Finn where Huck resigns himself to going to Hell for being an abolitionist. He comforted himself by deciding he would rather go to Hell with Tom Sawyer than to Heaven with all those hypocrites.
So if you have glaring character defects and you sometimes act regrettably be consoled to some extent. I would probably like to hang out with you. Then again I'm not sure I should be associating with kind of people that would have me as a friend.
Russell
I am no saint but in general my intentions are benign. I don't think that is at all extraordinary. I think most people I know have done some pretty regrettable stuff. I don't know anyone (well maybe one) who claims to always act from a pure heart. The thing is this, how can we ever be friends with anyone if we expect perfection as a condition of our friendship? I am not sure I would even want a perfect friend.
I know a few people that present themselves as role models for the rest of us. There I go judging again (progress not perfection as they say I guess). Anyway these role model people make me really uncomfortable. They are no fun at all! I liked the part in Huckleberry Finn where Huck resigns himself to going to Hell for being an abolitionist. He comforted himself by deciding he would rather go to Hell with Tom Sawyer than to Heaven with all those hypocrites.
So if you have glaring character defects and you sometimes act regrettably be consoled to some extent. I would probably like to hang out with you. Then again I'm not sure I should be associating with kind of people that would have me as a friend.
Russell
Friday, May 4, 2012
Suffer In Silence Please
The other day I was complaining about how long it was taking my elbow to heal after using it as a crumple zone subsequent to flying over the handle bars of my bicycle. This guy nearby says, "yeah as we age it takes longer to heal," then he chuckled out loud. So I slugged him. I'm not sensitive about getting old, I just don't want to hear about it, gawdamnit! I'm bald too, and I'm used to it now, but people that need to tell me I'm bald are pretty annoying. I don't need to tell them they're unoriginal cretinous dumb bunnies, so why do they need to tell me the less obvious fact that I'm no longer a child and have experienced significant hair loss?
Usually I am in better humor but I was irritable. I think it was because I was sick. I don't do sick well. I prefer to ignore it. The trouble with that is it doesn't work. You just wind up getting sicker. I hate sick people, including myself when I'm ill. Anytime someone starts going on about their symptoms I find myself considering euthanasia as a speedy and preferred solution for them. I have all kinds of sympathy in other areas. Whine about most stuff and I will listen absent mindedly and offer casual reassurance that it will all work out. In other words I'll be a reasonable facsimile of care and concern. On the other hand start complaining about your snotty nose, your diarrhea, your achy feelings and I'll start fantasizing about smothering you to death with a pillow. So there I am feeling miserable wondering how to put myself outa my misery. I didn't call anybody or ask for anything because shit I wouldn't inflict me on anybody when I feel like that.
Fortunately I am all better now. I even rode my bike today, by the time I got back my inflamed tendons were letting me know I still have some healing to go yet. I guess I need to hold off of yoga for a while yet. I tell you what though, you gotta push through this stuff or else pull the plug.
Russell
Usually I am in better humor but I was irritable. I think it was because I was sick. I don't do sick well. I prefer to ignore it. The trouble with that is it doesn't work. You just wind up getting sicker. I hate sick people, including myself when I'm ill. Anytime someone starts going on about their symptoms I find myself considering euthanasia as a speedy and preferred solution for them. I have all kinds of sympathy in other areas. Whine about most stuff and I will listen absent mindedly and offer casual reassurance that it will all work out. In other words I'll be a reasonable facsimile of care and concern. On the other hand start complaining about your snotty nose, your diarrhea, your achy feelings and I'll start fantasizing about smothering you to death with a pillow. So there I am feeling miserable wondering how to put myself outa my misery. I didn't call anybody or ask for anything because shit I wouldn't inflict me on anybody when I feel like that.
Fortunately I am all better now. I even rode my bike today, by the time I got back my inflamed tendons were letting me know I still have some healing to go yet. I guess I need to hold off of yoga for a while yet. I tell you what though, you gotta push through this stuff or else pull the plug.
Russell
Friday, April 27, 2012
I Love Asian Surf Rock!
Every once in a while the Google folks decide to fart around with the design and mechanics of my blog. It annoys the hell outa me! Why are computer nerds never able to leave anything alone? have they never heard the cliche' "If it's not broke, DON'T FIX IT!!" I guess not. I'm sure these geeks are well intentioned, but shit man they are OCD about constantly picking at stuff. I bet none of them has had a scab for more than hour or two before they started picking at it. Yech! I apologize for that analogy.
Here's the deal; imagine you go out to start your car one morning and you don't even recognize it! That's what these infernal tinkerers are like, like someone completely redesigns your car without consulting you! One day it has a steering wheel the next it is controlled by a joy stick because some arrogant little nerd decided it would make your life easier! Which of course it doesn't (those dumb asses!) because now I have to learn how to drive all over again. Thanks a bunch Erkle!
Actually I like nerds, love nerd rock! My taste is quite bizarre. I heard this band that is totally nerded out and totally awesome. They're called the Surf Coasters and they are absolutely the best Japanese surf rock band you will ever hear. They are partially to blame for my recent bike accident. I mean with the MP3 injecting Asian surf rock into your brain how can you ride with caution? Okay any reasonable person could but face it that sort of stuff is impossible for people like me.
Fortunately I don't know anyone else like me. Now don't get me wrong. I like me a lot! I am one of my favorite people actually. Still a little of me goes a really long way. The problem with being an individual is that you may be an outsider. On the other hand how many cliques do you want to fit with? Have you ever hung around people that seemed to have the same conversations over and over and over? They are out there.
I guess they like the familiarity of the same subjects, the same jokes, the same thing all the time. Maybe they're right. Knowing exactly what your friends think and what they're going to say might be reassuring. The last thing they want is some nerd redesigning the conversation especially in a world where every time you go to a website you never know what you'll find. And as soon as you get used to it and know how to smoothly navigate it some jerk wad nerd changes the whole damn thing!
Russell
Here's the deal; imagine you go out to start your car one morning and you don't even recognize it! That's what these infernal tinkerers are like, like someone completely redesigns your car without consulting you! One day it has a steering wheel the next it is controlled by a joy stick because some arrogant little nerd decided it would make your life easier! Which of course it doesn't (those dumb asses!) because now I have to learn how to drive all over again. Thanks a bunch Erkle!
Actually I like nerds, love nerd rock! My taste is quite bizarre. I heard this band that is totally nerded out and totally awesome. They're called the Surf Coasters and they are absolutely the best Japanese surf rock band you will ever hear. They are partially to blame for my recent bike accident. I mean with the MP3 injecting Asian surf rock into your brain how can you ride with caution? Okay any reasonable person could but face it that sort of stuff is impossible for people like me.
Fortunately I don't know anyone else like me. Now don't get me wrong. I like me a lot! I am one of my favorite people actually. Still a little of me goes a really long way. The problem with being an individual is that you may be an outsider. On the other hand how many cliques do you want to fit with? Have you ever hung around people that seemed to have the same conversations over and over and over? They are out there.
I guess they like the familiarity of the same subjects, the same jokes, the same thing all the time. Maybe they're right. Knowing exactly what your friends think and what they're going to say might be reassuring. The last thing they want is some nerd redesigning the conversation especially in a world where every time you go to a website you never know what you'll find. And as soon as you get used to it and know how to smoothly navigate it some jerk wad nerd changes the whole damn thing!
Russell
Sunday, April 1, 2012
Field Guide To The American Peasant
My younger sister used to take ballet lessons (she was really serious and pretty good as a matter of fact). Her teacher was from Russia and had at one time been a famous dancer in Europe until an injury ended her career. She moved here with her mother some time after WW II. Her mother was from an aristocratic Russian family that fled that country when the Bolsheviks took over. Pretty interesting but the reason for mentioning all this is to get to this, this ancient Russian aristocrat once complained to my mom that American peasants did not even know they were peasants. She said that the peasants in Europe at least knew they were peasants but American peasants did not know their place in society. We all thought she was sort of charming in her way but nevertheless daft. I don't think that anymore.
That old Russian aristocrat was right. We don't know we are peasants but we are. The rich know it. The politicians know it. The banks, insurance companies and stores like Walmart all know it. Yet the American peasant remains clueless. Our whole system depends on the American peasant never figuring out that he is indeed a peasant. Once the peasant gets out of the bag there will be no getting him back inside. The occupy Wall Street movement is a peasant uprising. You will never hear the media calling it that because they don't want us peasants to know our true status, they know we would find it unacceptable. That is why Mitt Romney says he believes in two classes the rich and the soon to be rich, he thinks that kind of BS will mollify us peasants.
We probably have this kind of condescending treatment coming to us too. I mean we are the ones who refuse to accept the reality of our status. We support our aristocrats because we cling to Horatio Alger fairy tales of peasants becoming landed gentry through pluck hard work and just a smidgen of luck. Meanwhile we get nickled and dimed to death by the corporate aristocracy.
Jeff Foxworthy has that you may be a redneck if... routine. Here's the deal you don't have to be a redneck to be a peasant but if you are a redneck you are a particular type of peasant. America has a variety of peasant types. Maybe we need a field guide to the American peasant since they seem to be largely unrecognized.
If you work in the fast food industry you are a peasant. If you work at a factory you are an endangered species of peasant. If you teach school you probably don't believe you are peasant, this is especially troubling because you are very likely misinforming your students of their own peasantry. If you work in a store you are a peasant. If you anticipate get money back from your tax return you are a peasant. If you shop at discount stores you are a peasant. If you buy fast food more than once a year you are a peasant. If rising gas prices have made you think about your driving habits you are a peasant. Face it you are a peasant. The elite has thought of you this way for years. What are you going to do about it?
That old Russian aristocrat was right. We don't know we are peasants but we are. The rich know it. The politicians know it. The banks, insurance companies and stores like Walmart all know it. Yet the American peasant remains clueless. Our whole system depends on the American peasant never figuring out that he is indeed a peasant. Once the peasant gets out of the bag there will be no getting him back inside. The occupy Wall Street movement is a peasant uprising. You will never hear the media calling it that because they don't want us peasants to know our true status, they know we would find it unacceptable. That is why Mitt Romney says he believes in two classes the rich and the soon to be rich, he thinks that kind of BS will mollify us peasants.
We probably have this kind of condescending treatment coming to us too. I mean we are the ones who refuse to accept the reality of our status. We support our aristocrats because we cling to Horatio Alger fairy tales of peasants becoming landed gentry through pluck hard work and just a smidgen of luck. Meanwhile we get nickled and dimed to death by the corporate aristocracy.
Jeff Foxworthy has that you may be a redneck if... routine. Here's the deal you don't have to be a redneck to be a peasant but if you are a redneck you are a particular type of peasant. America has a variety of peasant types. Maybe we need a field guide to the American peasant since they seem to be largely unrecognized.
If you work in the fast food industry you are a peasant. If you work at a factory you are an endangered species of peasant. If you teach school you probably don't believe you are peasant, this is especially troubling because you are very likely misinforming your students of their own peasantry. If you work in a store you are a peasant. If you anticipate get money back from your tax return you are a peasant. If you shop at discount stores you are a peasant. If you buy fast food more than once a year you are a peasant. If rising gas prices have made you think about your driving habits you are a peasant. Face it you are a peasant. The elite has thought of you this way for years. What are you going to do about it?
Monday, March 19, 2012
Should Our National Dessert Be Apple Or Humble Pie?
So two weeks ago nobody had ever heard of Robert Bales. Now we are all scratching our heads and searchong our hearts trying to figure out what to do with him. The truth of course is that we killed him way before now. We don't know what to do with him because he is our creation. Every single one of us is complicit in his crime. We decided to tolerate endless war carried out by a few unlucky bastards on our behalf. We all know, or absolutely should know, that we are steadily destroying the people we send there to fight over and over and over again. This wasn't the first atrocity either, it's just the first we know was committed by a nice guy that we turned into a psychopathic killer.
We don't want to judge Robert Bales because we know he was just our instrument. Finding him guilty will be hypocritical unless we also find ourselves guilty. Of course if we do not find him guilty we are endorsing the crimes he carried out for us. We are stuck in our collective guilt.
Just like Robert Bales we are mostly good people that allowed ourselves to get sucked into a massive crime. It's time to confess and suffer the consequences. It's time to quit the killing. We like to think we are morally superior to other nations and that is the first step toward genocide. We need some humility.
We aren't the only people with that sense of moral superiority. The Islamic terrorists have it, the Nazis had it, Stalin had it (Putin may too) the Japanese had it prior to WW II, racists have it. Hunility may not be as glamorous as self-righteousness but we cannot afford that kind of glamor anymore.
We need to lose terms like "collateral damage." The Nazis talked about people that way too. We were and are apalled at how they dehumanized groups of people. I tell you what, predator drones controlled remotely and used with impunity with tolerable amounts of collateral damage (innocent victims) would have been one of Hitler's favorite wet-dreams.
The German army in WW II killed civilians, they massacred prisoners of war, were they cold hearted sociopaths? Of course they were. Or were they just German soldiers who wanted to serve their country and were gradually perverted by never ending war? Of course they were.
I feel real bad about Robert Bales. I remember being the lone protester against these stupid wars 10 years ago. I wish that having stood at 61st and Seawall with my "No War" sign would somehow relieve me of any responsibility but it doesn't. Still I'm glad I did it even if it didn't prevent these stupid wars. It's time to man up and admit we are wrong. It's time to quit pretending we are morally superior. It's time to bring home our wounded soldiers. And it's time to recognize that every last one of them is wounded and needs healing.
Russell
We don't want to judge Robert Bales because we know he was just our instrument. Finding him guilty will be hypocritical unless we also find ourselves guilty. Of course if we do not find him guilty we are endorsing the crimes he carried out for us. We are stuck in our collective guilt.
Just like Robert Bales we are mostly good people that allowed ourselves to get sucked into a massive crime. It's time to confess and suffer the consequences. It's time to quit the killing. We like to think we are morally superior to other nations and that is the first step toward genocide. We need some humility.
We aren't the only people with that sense of moral superiority. The Islamic terrorists have it, the Nazis had it, Stalin had it (Putin may too) the Japanese had it prior to WW II, racists have it. Hunility may not be as glamorous as self-righteousness but we cannot afford that kind of glamor anymore.
We need to lose terms like "collateral damage." The Nazis talked about people that way too. We were and are apalled at how they dehumanized groups of people. I tell you what, predator drones controlled remotely and used with impunity with tolerable amounts of collateral damage (innocent victims) would have been one of Hitler's favorite wet-dreams.
The German army in WW II killed civilians, they massacred prisoners of war, were they cold hearted sociopaths? Of course they were. Or were they just German soldiers who wanted to serve their country and were gradually perverted by never ending war? Of course they were.
I feel real bad about Robert Bales. I remember being the lone protester against these stupid wars 10 years ago. I wish that having stood at 61st and Seawall with my "No War" sign would somehow relieve me of any responsibility but it doesn't. Still I'm glad I did it even if it didn't prevent these stupid wars. It's time to man up and admit we are wrong. It's time to quit pretending we are morally superior. It's time to bring home our wounded soldiers. And it's time to recognize that every last one of them is wounded and needs healing.
Russell
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Squatch This!!
I kind of like the show "Finding Bigfoot" I also like some of those UFO programs and this new show about "Prepers." Prepers are not preppies they are people preparing for doomsday. These shows interest me because they appeal to my inner-crackpot. I admit it I have crackpot leanings. I don't think I'm that weird either and that's sort of unfortunate. The thing is though I know that looking for Bigfoot or evidence of ancient aliens is a colossal waste of time. It's just a lark, sure I wish Nessie was real but I know he's not. I want to believe in crop circles (I mean believe they are not man made) but I just can't.
Actually I would love to pull off a hoax. I'm too lazy and undisciplined to create a crop circle. I have tried to figure out a good bogus UFO scare but my best idea involves plastic dry cleaning bags and birthday candles. I don't want to be responsible for any fires so that's out too. Living by the coast I should probably work on some sort of sea monster hoax. I think coming up with some sort of mutant mullet caused by the BP oil spill would be totally cool. Imagine a completely harmless bait fish transformed into a venomous harbinger of death! I like it!
Here's how it would work; these fish mutate into flesh nibbling carnivores after eating seaweed contaminated with oil. That would make them merely annoying, so the real problem is the dispersants used in the cleanup caused their bite to be lethal. The dispersants get in you when the death mullet bites you and the dipersants dissolve blood plasma! It's a horrible way to die! Oh shit this rumor might impact tourism! Forget it immediately! We need a monster the will attract tourists not scare them off. I will keep thinking about it. Meanwhile I'll keep watching shows about Sasquatch, UFOs and Area 51.
Hey the best thing I have ever heard I heard on that "Finding Bigfoot" show! What is it? What's the best thing I've ever heard? It's so cool I can hardly believe it! It's gawdamned awesome I swear! Ready? It's, it's "SQUATCHY!" it's an adjective! It means having Sasquatch like qualities. They say shit like "hmm... that smells squatchy!" or "this place looks squatchy!" or even just "this feels squatchy!" This is a word we all have to use as often as we possibly can. Imagine making mad passionate squatchy love! Or complaining to your waiter that your eggs are squatchy! I want to take a day off from work by calling in squatchy! If someone really pisses you off just tell them to go squatch themselves! or to take a flying squatch! I'd go on but I feel like squatching out for a while.
Russell
Actually I would love to pull off a hoax. I'm too lazy and undisciplined to create a crop circle. I have tried to figure out a good bogus UFO scare but my best idea involves plastic dry cleaning bags and birthday candles. I don't want to be responsible for any fires so that's out too. Living by the coast I should probably work on some sort of sea monster hoax. I think coming up with some sort of mutant mullet caused by the BP oil spill would be totally cool. Imagine a completely harmless bait fish transformed into a venomous harbinger of death! I like it!
Here's how it would work; these fish mutate into flesh nibbling carnivores after eating seaweed contaminated with oil. That would make them merely annoying, so the real problem is the dispersants used in the cleanup caused their bite to be lethal. The dispersants get in you when the death mullet bites you and the dipersants dissolve blood plasma! It's a horrible way to die! Oh shit this rumor might impact tourism! Forget it immediately! We need a monster the will attract tourists not scare them off. I will keep thinking about it. Meanwhile I'll keep watching shows about Sasquatch, UFOs and Area 51.
Hey the best thing I have ever heard I heard on that "Finding Bigfoot" show! What is it? What's the best thing I've ever heard? It's so cool I can hardly believe it! It's gawdamned awesome I swear! Ready? It's, it's "SQUATCHY!" it's an adjective! It means having Sasquatch like qualities. They say shit like "hmm... that smells squatchy!" or "this place looks squatchy!" or even just "this feels squatchy!" This is a word we all have to use as often as we possibly can. Imagine making mad passionate squatchy love! Or complaining to your waiter that your eggs are squatchy! I want to take a day off from work by calling in squatchy! If someone really pisses you off just tell them to go squatch themselves! or to take a flying squatch! I'd go on but I feel like squatching out for a while.
Russell
Saturday, March 3, 2012
Beauty Fades But Dumb Is Forever
Is it a social faux pas to let your intelligence show? I think so. Probably the most embarrassing thing you can do is appear to be really smart. You would be better off having toilet paper stuck to the bottom of your shoe. Actually if you came from the bathroom with toilet paper stuck to your shoe it would be so embarrassing that people might accuse you of being some kind of genius! Gad, the humiliation!
There's a comedy on TV about a bunch of geniuses. They are portrayed as social misfits. I kind of like it. It is funny sometimes. I don't think you could make a show making fun of Black People as social misfits, or Asians as social misfits, or women as social misfits. I am absolutely certain you couldn't get away with making fun of the cognitively impaired as social misfits. I don't want to get all politically correct about it or anything. I mean the highly intelligent can handle being made fun of.
What I don't like is the idea that being smart is somehow offensive and you should do all you can to avoid appearing uncomfortably smart. I don't see too many people trying to hide their stupidity, a lot of folks actually seem really proud of it. But people are always trying to avoid sounding too smart. I don't get it.
The truth is of course that interesting people are smart. So are most truly funny people. Good music, good poetry and good stories come from brilliant minds. As a visual artist I would like to think that painting also requires intelligence but I am not sure about it.
The truth is most of my friends seem really smart to me. I guess I like misfits. On the other hand, a friend once invited me to a Mensa party, it sucked! I don't think it sucked because I couldn't follow the conversation, I could. Mostly I remember it seemed like everyone was kind of showing off. Of course a lot of parties are like that, people styling out some way or another.
Maybe its me! But I don't really think so. I think we become self-conscious at around puberty. Then we start trying to stand out while simultaneously fitting in (which is of course impossible). So if you're smart you want everyone to think it's cool that you're smart but not to single you out or embarrass you about it. Is anyone ever embarrassed about looking too good? I don't think so, but have no first hand knowledge about that. It seems like pretty people really get off on being gorgeous. One good thing about being smart is it is generally pretty sustainable.
Former beauties (whether male or female) are kind of pittiful but smart people stay cool in their own special way. I bet being a former beauty dumbass is really depressing.
Russell
There's a comedy on TV about a bunch of geniuses. They are portrayed as social misfits. I kind of like it. It is funny sometimes. I don't think you could make a show making fun of Black People as social misfits, or Asians as social misfits, or women as social misfits. I am absolutely certain you couldn't get away with making fun of the cognitively impaired as social misfits. I don't want to get all politically correct about it or anything. I mean the highly intelligent can handle being made fun of.
What I don't like is the idea that being smart is somehow offensive and you should do all you can to avoid appearing uncomfortably smart. I don't see too many people trying to hide their stupidity, a lot of folks actually seem really proud of it. But people are always trying to avoid sounding too smart. I don't get it.
The truth is of course that interesting people are smart. So are most truly funny people. Good music, good poetry and good stories come from brilliant minds. As a visual artist I would like to think that painting also requires intelligence but I am not sure about it.
The truth is most of my friends seem really smart to me. I guess I like misfits. On the other hand, a friend once invited me to a Mensa party, it sucked! I don't think it sucked because I couldn't follow the conversation, I could. Mostly I remember it seemed like everyone was kind of showing off. Of course a lot of parties are like that, people styling out some way or another.
Maybe its me! But I don't really think so. I think we become self-conscious at around puberty. Then we start trying to stand out while simultaneously fitting in (which is of course impossible). So if you're smart you want everyone to think it's cool that you're smart but not to single you out or embarrass you about it. Is anyone ever embarrassed about looking too good? I don't think so, but have no first hand knowledge about that. It seems like pretty people really get off on being gorgeous. One good thing about being smart is it is generally pretty sustainable.
Former beauties (whether male or female) are kind of pittiful but smart people stay cool in their own special way. I bet being a former beauty dumbass is really depressing.
Russell
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