Adorable Pets From The Future!

The other day my younger sister (my little sister doesn't sound right anymore) texted me pleading for help. Her house was being overrun with "Crazy Ants" (Formichidae Wacko) and she desperately wanted to annihilate them. I suggested the traditional icepick method. This method requires great speed, extreme accuracy and incredible control. The trick is to skewer these minuscule and frenetic insects without scratching the Formica. This of course requires fantastic skill and concentration. Some exceptionally devout Buddhist Monks are able to do it but won't. They are unwilling to harm any sentient being and they foolishly believe these ants have souls! Buddhists, go figure! I thought my sister could handle the challenge what with years of ballet practice and her aerobics regimen but she declined. She figured maybe an aardvark could devour the little bastards and wondered if I had access to one. Unfortunately I did not.

I got to thinking about it and decided an aardvark was not an adequate solution to my little sister's (sounds better now) ant invasion. What she needed is a catvark! A catvark combines the appetite of an aardvark with feline cunning and stealth! Unfortunately these magnificent creatures do not yet exist. Luckily I have a nephew studying Biochemistry at the University of Houston and I am certain he can gene splice one together in short order. A catvark is judged by it's conformity to the ideal, which I have predetermined. The ideal catvark has a long sticky tongue. The snout is also elongated and adorned with adorable whiskers which the catvark uses as a sensory organ for detecting ants. The catvark's eyes are adapted for night vision. There is nothing so exhilarating to witness as the sight of one these wonderous beasts slowly creeping up on a column of unsuspecting crazy ants. Suddenly the catvark strikes! It's long sticky tongue repeatedly flinging out and snapping back coated with hapless ants! Truly an awesome pet and quite utilitarian too!

The catvark is not only pet of the future that will make prosaic cats and dogs obsolescent. Old fashioned cats and dogs hardly ever worked out as mutual house pets. Not so with catvarks and platypoodles. You see catvarks are wholly terrestrial while platypoodles are amphibious. Because of these differing habits catvarks and platypoodles rarely conflict. And there is nothing more delightful than the sight of your very own pet platypoodle paddling around in the koi pond. The platypoodle with his dignified duckbill, regal pom poms, webbed paws and rudder like paddle tail is a mammal any discerning pet lover would be proud to own. Similar to the catvark platypoodles are easy to maintain, not that they eat ants, but they eat any manner of disgusting stuff found in pond water including tadpoles, crayfish, water bugs, and duck shit. Platypoodles are intelligent, friendly and they love children, which can cause some embarrassing scenes at swimming pools (be careful).

Hopefully these wonderful pets will soon be available. Until then my sister is going to have to hone her ant ninja skills with the icepick!





Russell