Getting In Touch With My Inner Jerk!

I live in a condo. It has elevators. The parking is underneath the building. The elevator goes down to the parking level on the ground and no lower. The other day I got home and parked my car. I got on the elevator, at ground level, the lowest level possible. Some tourist with a mid-western accent asked me, "Going up?" I said "Yes." What I wanted to say was, "Fuck no! I'm taking this baby down, down, down straight to hell!" So why didn't I? I live across the street (boulevard actually) from the beach. The salt air is great for allergies but hell on bicycles! Naturally as a guy I choose to keep my bike safe from rust in my condo. That's what guys do! So the other day I am getting on the elevator with my bike and a tourist with a thick southern accent drawls "You been-onna-bike-ride?" I said, "Yes." What I wanted to say was, "No! I have been rock climbing!" So why didn't I say that?

Last summer somebody asked me, "Hot enough for ya?" I just smiled. I wanted to shout back, "Hell no! It won't be hot enough for me until my blood actually starts percolating!" So why didn't I? The other day I was out in my coat with my scarf wrapped around my neck. Some fool said to me "Why you wearing a coat? It ain't cold! ha-ha-ha!" I just smiled and avoided eye contact. What I wanted to say was, "Hey jackass I know it's not cold! This is my portable, personal sweat lodge!" Why didn't I?

I like to play in the ocean with my boogie board and surf-fins. Sometimes there's good waves here. I'll be on the elevator after a few hours catching waves. Invariably somebody asks, "Been to the beach?" I have occasionally just stared back in exasperation, but usually I just say, "Yeah." I think about saying, "No I was at the movies." So why don't I?

Every time a waiter asks me "Is everything okay?" I am tempted to say, "Hell no! The whole world's in a giant fuckin mess! There's global warming, the Mideast is about to explode again, the economy is in recession, and I am concerned about becoming arthritic! Nothing is okay, except the meal was not too bad." So how come I never say that?

I guess I would feel bad if I ever said half the stuff the pops into my brain. I really don't want to be a jerk but it is pretty tempting! I might not be evil genius material but I am a frustrated smart-alack. A frustrated evil genius makes a death ray, a frustrated smart-alack draws a cartoon of himself with one.





Russell