Squatch This!!

I kind of like the show "Finding Bigfoot" I also like some of those UFO programs and this new show about "Prepers." Prepers are not preppies they are people preparing for doomsday. These shows interest me because they appeal to my inner-crackpot. I admit it I have crackpot leanings. I don't think I'm that weird either and that's sort of unfortunate. The thing is though I know that looking for Bigfoot or evidence of ancient aliens is a colossal waste of time. It's just a lark, sure I wish Nessie was real but I know he's not. I want to believe in crop circles (I mean believe they are not man made) but I just can't.

Actually I would love to pull off a hoax. I'm too lazy and undisciplined to create a crop circle. I have tried to figure out a good bogus UFO scare but my best idea involves plastic dry cleaning bags and birthday candles. I don't want to be responsible for any fires so that's out too. Living by the coast I should probably work on some sort of sea monster hoax. I think coming up with some sort of mutant mullet caused by the BP oil spill would be totally cool. Imagine a completely harmless bait fish transformed into a venomous harbinger of death! I like it!

Here's how it would work; these fish mutate into flesh nibbling carnivores after eating seaweed contaminated with oil. That would make them merely annoying, so the real problem is the dispersants used in the cleanup caused their bite to be lethal. The dispersants get in you when the death mullet bites you and the dipersants dissolve blood plasma! It's a horrible way to die! Oh shit this rumor might impact tourism! Forget it immediately! We need a monster the will attract tourists not scare them off. I will keep thinking about it. Meanwhile I'll keep watching shows about Sasquatch, UFOs and Area 51.

Hey the best thing I have ever heard I heard on that "Finding Bigfoot" show! What is it? What's the best thing I've ever heard? It's so cool I can hardly believe it! It's gawdamned awesome I swear! Ready? It's, it's "SQUATCHY!" it's an adjective! It means having Sasquatch like qualities. They say shit like "hmm... that smells squatchy!" or "this place looks squatchy!" or even just "this feels squatchy!" This is a word we all have to use as often as we possibly can. Imagine making mad passionate squatchy love! Or complaining to your waiter that your eggs are squatchy! I want to take a day off from work by calling in squatchy! If someone really pisses you off just tell them to go squatch themselves! or to take a flying squatch! I'd go on but I feel like squatching out for a while.




Russell