Be Prepared!

The anxiety is increasing across the country. It's coming and there's not a gawdamn thing we can do 'bout it! I'm not talking about Christmas, although we are not able to prevent it either. Black Friday is less than a week away. It actually starts on Thursday this year. Thanksgiving Day is ending early, so that you can start shopping immediately after stuffing yourself to the point where gluttony transforms into misery. Sounds awful doesn't it? Wandering the aisles of Walmart in a tryptophan haze jostled by other flatulent shoppers tussling over bargain priced electronics, widgets, and assorted crapola.

Well it doesn't matter how dumb it is! In our struggling economy it is your patriotic duty as an American consumer to go out there and consume, consume, consume until it consumes you damnit! But you need to be prepared. Remember the mayhem of last year's Black Friday? Well bucko, this year won't be any easier. It is likely to be even crazier, more frenetic, and even more violent. Fortunately there are some steps you can take to enhance your prospects of snatching more than your share of bargains at Target and living to show them off.

Last year's favorite shopping aids were hand held tasers and pepper spray. They have already shown up again this year. It seems tasing and pepper spraying rival shoppers might just have become a holiday tradition. "Merry Christmas" zap! And another shopper is left twitching in the home furnishings aisle. You need not limit yourself to these now prosaic examples of holiday shopping weaponry. Exciting new tools for cage match style shopping are available.

If you wish to clear a department of other shoppers or want to avoid waiting forever in a lengthy checkout line just toss a jar filled with angry wasps into the general area and watch those Walmart shoppers flee! You may have to use the self checkout. Have you ever fished for catfish? Did you use blood bait? If you did God bless you, because that stuff smells like shit! Exactly like shit! Really very stinky shit too! Simply spread  a good quantity of blood bait onto a disposable diaper and stick it onto the screen of your favorite plasma TV. You can do the rest of your shopping and pick it up on your way out. Nobody will touch it!

Despite these innovative techniques you may still have to engage in hand to hand shopping! A can of bear repellent is much more effective than the traditional pepper spray. Bear repellent is designed to ward off grizzly bears! It should work against all but the most fanatical bargain hunters. If you can't find bear repellent try oven cleaner. It can remove years of baked on grease, it just might remove your shopping competition.

Wear rubber soled shoes and imbed razor blades in the outside edges of the soles. That should prevent people from crowding too close! Spilling marbles onto the floor can create a distraction, as shoppers flop head over heals, which you can use to snatch items you missed out of their carts! Some rival shoppers may carry paper shopping bags supplied by the store. You can get these fools out of your way simply by using a disposable lighter to set their shopping bag aflame! It's simple and fun!

Finally you need to realize that despite all these great ideas or possibly because of them you may find yourself in an altercation with another shopper or even store security. Sometimes the simplest solutions are the best. What could be simpler than a purse full of bricks! Whack somebody with that and they stay whacked! Alternatively you can reach in, yank out a brick and start pelting your assailant(s).

Well, good luck and good shopping! Happy holidays everybody!







Russell