Be Prepared!

The anxiety is increasing across the country. It's coming and there's not a gawdamn thing we can do 'bout it! I'm not talking about Christmas, although we are not able to prevent it either. Black Friday is less than a week away. It actually starts on Thursday this year. Thanksgiving Day is ending early, so that you can start shopping immediately after stuffing yourself to the point where gluttony transforms into misery. Sounds awful doesn't it? Wandering the aisles of Walmart in a tryptophan haze jostled by other flatulent shoppers tussling over bargain priced electronics, widgets, and assorted crapola.

Well it doesn't matter how dumb it is! In our struggling economy it is your patriotic duty as an American consumer to go out there and consume, consume, consume until it consumes you damnit! But you need to be prepared. Remember the mayhem of last year's Black Friday? Well bucko, this year won't be any easier. It is likely to be even crazier, more frenetic, and even more violent. Fortunately there are some steps you can take to enhance your prospects of snatching more than your share of bargains at Target and living to show them off.

Last year's favorite shopping aids were hand held tasers and pepper spray. They have already shown up again this year. It seems tasing and pepper spraying rival shoppers might just have become a holiday tradition. "Merry Christmas" zap! And another shopper is left twitching in the home furnishings aisle. You need not limit yourself to these now prosaic examples of holiday shopping weaponry. Exciting new tools for cage match style shopping are available.

If you wish to clear a department of other shoppers or want to avoid waiting forever in a lengthy checkout line just toss a jar filled with angry wasps into the general area and watch those Walmart shoppers flee! You may have to use the self checkout. Have you ever fished for catfish? Did you use blood bait? If you did God bless you, because that stuff smells like shit! Exactly like shit! Really very stinky shit too! Simply spread  a good quantity of blood bait onto a disposable diaper and stick it onto the screen of your favorite plasma TV. You can do the rest of your shopping and pick it up on your way out. Nobody will touch it!

Despite these innovative techniques you may still have to engage in hand to hand shopping! A can of bear repellent is much more effective than the traditional pepper spray. Bear repellent is designed to ward off grizzly bears! It should work against all but the most fanatical bargain hunters. If you can't find bear repellent try oven cleaner. It can remove years of baked on grease, it just might remove your shopping competition.

Wear rubber soled shoes and imbed razor blades in the outside edges of the soles. That should prevent people from crowding too close! Spilling marbles onto the floor can create a distraction, as shoppers flop head over heals, which you can use to snatch items you missed out of their carts! Some rival shoppers may carry paper shopping bags supplied by the store. You can get these fools out of your way simply by using a disposable lighter to set their shopping bag aflame! It's simple and fun!

Finally you need to realize that despite all these great ideas or possibly because of them you may find yourself in an altercation with another shopper or even store security. Sometimes the simplest solutions are the best. What could be simpler than a purse full of bricks! Whack somebody with that and they stay whacked! Alternatively you can reach in, yank out a brick and start pelting your assailant(s).

Well, good luck and good shopping! Happy holidays everybody!







Russell

The Delightful Hammerhead Terrier!

The guys at the lab got it right this time. There is no more charming canine/shark hybrid than the Hammerhead Terrier. This is a frisky fun filled family friendly pup that will delight your children! Hammerhead Terriers with their wide spaced eyes have excellent distance perception but, they cannot see anything clearly that is not at least several feet away from the tip of their noses. Combine this with their giddy terrier personalities and they are constantly slamming into obstacles as they careen around the house. These slapstick antics will get the kids laughing so hard they pee their pants.

The only major downside to owning a Hammerhead Terrier is in fact their accident proneness. Some owners have experimented with wrapping bubble wrap around their pet's snouts. Others have tried balloons or foam rubber mounted to their pet's snout using elastic or rubber bands. Another strategy is to attach foam rubber or even feather pillows to any surface or obstacle the Hammerhead Terrier has or could slam into. This may seem extreme but really nothing is too extreme when you are protecting the well being of a loving family pet.

Due to their farsightedness male Hammerhead Terriers are often off target when they urinate. This can be entertaining or annoying depending on your point of view. If your point of view is to close it could be embarrassing too. Again children usually get a good laugh out of watching their pet playing lawn sprinkler. Besides this particular idiosyncrasy can be used to help them understand why grandpa is so.... messy.

All in all the Hammerhead Terrier is a good choice for people looking for lively a pet who loves to chase balls but are not too disappointed if he winds up running right past them. Try to avoid playing fetch in areas closed in by chain link fencing. Your pup will never see it and slamming into a chain link fence may look comical but it could strain your pet. On the other hand your pet may never come back after he takes off after a ball or stick tossed into an open field.


Should you be strolling in an open field when a Hammerhead Terrier comes bounding toward you let the beast run straight into your arms! Soon his owner will come running up to you ever so grateful to you for nabbing the wayward pet.




Russell

Lab Reports, "OOPS!"

Okay this was a mistake! The pit shark is not a fit pet for anyone except possibly a suicidal psychopath in which case it is the perfect pet. The guys at the lab were trying to create the worlds most effective guard dog. It seemed like gene splicing a pit bulldog with a bull shark ought to yield an optimum guard dog. The trouble was that guard dogs are meant to stop trespassers but not by eating them. That is exactly what the pit shark did in it's initial trial as a guard dog.

The fellas at the lab thought they had eliminated all copies of the pit shark genome. One young lab assistant apparently thought it would be funny to substitute a pit shark for his grandma's shiatsu. Even her walker was ripped to shreds. Anyway the frightful beast was apparently pregnant and gave birth before she could be apprehended (a process which proved fatal to several Animal Planet Channel celebrities). Luckily the pit shark's reproductive rate is hampered by the fact that fetal pit sharks practice inutero cannibalism. This has kept their numbers somewhat limited but served to heighten their black market panache. Prices for this illegal species pups have soared. This has slowed their spread into the milieu of inbred backwoods redneck dog fighting. Unfortunately it has only increased their cache among upwardly mobile gangster rappers.

These shark canine hybrids are excellent swimmers. Reports that pups flushed down toilets by wary parents, over their delinquent child's objection, wind up thriving in the sewers may in fact be true. Despite rampant internet rumoring, evidence of them leaping up from toilet holes to chomp down on exposed genitalia are anecdotal at best (worst?). Even so investing, both personally and financially, in Depends or another adult diaper might prove worthwhile.

Reports of gigantic pit sharks stalking forests and patrolling lakes and rivers are probably exaggerated. It is true that in theory there is no maximum size for a shark but the pit shark also has canine elements. The prospect of 30 foot long (some witnesses report 60 foot monsters) pit sharks is too horrible to not consider. Such a beast would have the coldblooded nature of a shark combined with the hot blooded appetite of a pit bull all in a giant size! A pit shark of such dimension would likely be impervious to gunfire. It is doubtful that even Danny Glover could kill one.

Should you encounter a pit shark give it wide berth and definitely DO NOT TRY TO PET A PIT SHARK! Unless of course you always wanted the nickname "Lefty."





Russell

Finally A Convenient Pet For Dog Lovers!

I know many dog lovers are anxiously awaiting the introduction of a canine which can compete with the starcat for the designation of "world's most convenient pet." Lucky for them the wait is nearly over. Cat lovers now have a less contemptuous pet with the starcat. Dog lovers have been wanting a less enmeshed pet and now comes the squeagle. The squeagle is a perfect pet for people that love dogs but hate having some four legged sycophant constantly under foot (and man do they howl when you accidentally step on them). The squeagle is the perfect pet for on the go people. The squeagle has all the intelligence, loyalty, and loveability of a beagle with the cunning self sufficiency of a squirrel. Squeagles are affectionate and readily come when called, they love to play fetch if you use acorns or peanuts instead sticks or balls.

I understand how distressing it is to leave the house when your pet pooch reacts as if you are abandoning him forever! Dogs seem to think every time you go outside you are never ever coming home again! Then while you're away they they decide to empty the kitchen garbage can onto the living room floor. When you come home they are so happy to see you that you're paralyzed with emotional dissonance. You're mad over the mess but  the doggy is so effervescent with relief at your return you feel guilty for being mad! This kind of internal conflict can give you a neurosis. You will never suffer such psychological trauma as the owner of a squeagle.

You can leave your pet squeagle alone in the backyard indefinitely. Your squeagle will scavenge nuts and seeds and conceal them in secret hiding places. If some neighborhood cat comes into your yard anticipating making a meal of your pet, that cat is in for a rude awakening. It is very entertaining to watch as some naive kitty stalks a squeagle only to be scared half to death when the bushy tailed little beast suddenly spins around bares its teeth and starts barking maniacally! This kind of internal conflict can give a cat a neurosis.

The only difficulty of owning a squeagle has to do with their chisel like incisors. These fast growing teeth give the squeagle a cute bucktoothed face but, they grow so fast that the squeagle needs to engage in nearly incessant gnawing to avoid them scraping the ground. This is only a problem for indoor pets. Fortunately the squeagles canine learning ability makes it easy to train and they love to fetch. Simply toss a whetstone down the hall (be careful this is no rubber ball!) and yell "fetch it boy!" As your obedient squeagle snatches his toy he automatically grinds down his two front teeth. Try and get in several hours of play each day! (Hey it is part dog after all.)




Russell

The Most Convenient Cat Ever!

Sorry dog lovers but the most popular pet in America is the cat. This may be because as recent studies evidence almost half of all cats have multiple owners! This is one indicator among many that despite their popularity cats are often quite difficult on their owners. Lets face it, cats are inconvenient pets! Dogs are inconvenient due to their neediness. Cats are inconvenient out of their utter disregard. Modern science just may have a solution for cat lovers.

Through the genius of genetic engineering, you will soon be able to own the most convenient cat ever! The starcat is a miraculous creature, part feline, part echinoderm. Ever tried to catch a cat? It's practically impossible! Cats are fast, they can hide under or behind almost anything, they climb like crazy and if you do corner them they attack! The starcat solves all these problems. Starcats are as speedy as starfish, your 90 year old grandmother could outrun one using her walker without breaking a sweat! Starcats can hide sort of, but they cannot flatten themselves out or squeeze themselves behind stuff like an ordinary cat can. They can't climb at all, with the exception of glass, their tube feet are great at adhering to sliding glass doors. It can be startling to turn around to rinse off your back in the shower only to find your pet starcat staring at you! Most convenient of all starcats are virtually incapable of attack, there is an insignificant risk of asphyxiation should a starcat somehow attach to your face, so avoid passing out on the floor.

Starcats have difficulty mating so you can probably avoid the embarrassment of having them spayed or neutered without paying the consequence of having to deal with a litter of starkittens. If do want another starcat there is a simple method of getting one to five new starkittys! Just break off one, two, three, four or five of your starcats "arms," each will grow into a brand new starcat, with only minor and temporary inconvenience to your current pet! What could be more convenient than that? Many cat lovers also like birds, squirrels, bunnies, butterflies, ornamental fish and any number of the other of God's creatures typically murdered by cats. Good news! none of these darling animals is in any danger from the ground hugging, slow moving, clawless and non-pouncing starcat. The starcat is indeed the most convenient cat ever. Look for one, coming soon to your pet shop or aquarium store!





Russell

Adorable Pets From The Future!

The other day my younger sister (my little sister doesn't sound right anymore) texted me pleading for help. Her house was being overrun with "Crazy Ants" (Formichidae Wacko) and she desperately wanted to annihilate them. I suggested the traditional icepick method. This method requires great speed, extreme accuracy and incredible control. The trick is to skewer these minuscule and frenetic insects without scratching the Formica. This of course requires fantastic skill and concentration. Some exceptionally devout Buddhist Monks are able to do it but won't. They are unwilling to harm any sentient being and they foolishly believe these ants have souls! Buddhists, go figure! I thought my sister could handle the challenge what with years of ballet practice and her aerobics regimen but she declined. She figured maybe an aardvark could devour the little bastards and wondered if I had access to one. Unfortunately I did not.

I got to thinking about it and decided an aardvark was not an adequate solution to my little sister's (sounds better now) ant invasion. What she needed is a catvark! A catvark combines the appetite of an aardvark with feline cunning and stealth! Unfortunately these magnificent creatures do not yet exist. Luckily I have a nephew studying Biochemistry at the University of Houston and I am certain he can gene splice one together in short order. A catvark is judged by it's conformity to the ideal, which I have predetermined. The ideal catvark has a long sticky tongue. The snout is also elongated and adorned with adorable whiskers which the catvark uses as a sensory organ for detecting ants. The catvark's eyes are adapted for night vision. There is nothing so exhilarating to witness as the sight of one these wonderous beasts slowly creeping up on a column of unsuspecting crazy ants. Suddenly the catvark strikes! It's long sticky tongue repeatedly flinging out and snapping back coated with hapless ants! Truly an awesome pet and quite utilitarian too!

The catvark is not only pet of the future that will make prosaic cats and dogs obsolescent. Old fashioned cats and dogs hardly ever worked out as mutual house pets. Not so with catvarks and platypoodles. You see catvarks are wholly terrestrial while platypoodles are amphibious. Because of these differing habits catvarks and platypoodles rarely conflict. And there is nothing more delightful than the sight of your very own pet platypoodle paddling around in the koi pond. The platypoodle with his dignified duckbill, regal pom poms, webbed paws and rudder like paddle tail is a mammal any discerning pet lover would be proud to own. Similar to the catvark platypoodles are easy to maintain, not that they eat ants, but they eat any manner of disgusting stuff found in pond water including tadpoles, crayfish, water bugs, and duck shit. Platypoodles are intelligent, friendly and they love children, which can cause some embarrassing scenes at swimming pools (be careful).

Hopefully these wonderful pets will soon be available. Until then my sister is going to have to hone her ant ninja skills with the icepick!





Russell

More Pets Of The Future!

Tiny dogs like chihuahuas are so delicate they do not make practical pets. Yet they are so adorably hideous people cannot but help loving these pissy little beasts. Thanks to the ultra modern science of gene splicing you can now have a robust little pet that retains all the abominable charm of the original Mexicanine! The armahuahua combines the finest qualities of Americas two favorite illegal immigrants, the armadillo and the chihuahua. Instead of jumping around and pissing everywhere when alarmed the armahuahua curls into a ball and starts bouncing around in random directions. This is highly stimulating to children and helps them develop hand eye coordination as they try to literally catch their pet!

Neither armadillos nor chihuahuas have much of a sporting reputation, although armadillos are sometimes used as a ball in games of automobile polo. Armahuahuas are sporting dogs! Not surprisingly their sport is futbol! (soccer to you whitey!) It takes a relatively large armahuahua but when they curl up they make a decent soccer ball. Finally after a lousy crappy day at work you can come home and kick the dog without feeling guilty about it! Everybody is going to want one of these little hybrid mutts. Science scores a, GOAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

However if the armahuahua does not appeal to you perhaps the lhasopossum will. These quiet omnivores are an ideal pet for shift workers or anyone who stays up late and sleeps all day because like an opossum they are nocturnal. Lhasopossums are shy and sometimes one will hide in a closet hanging from a hanger rod by its prehensile tail. If the family pet chooses to hang from the shower rod it can be upsetting for both of you! Lhasopossums do not react well to be sprayed with water. They are generally easy to maintain and have an appetite for garbage which makes them a favorite pet for avid recyclers. They are not especially playful but not surprisingly they are really good at playing dead. They hate shaking hands and usually mistake a proffered digit for a tempting morsel, ouch!

Lhasopossums are extremely prolific and generally produce a litter of a dozen or more! Becoming a breeder should be easy but you will have to make your profit by selling in volume. Seeing a mother lhasopossum skittering around with her pups clinging to her erect tail is a heartwarming sight. The pups are tiny but develop fast. The puppies wrap their prehensile tails around their mothers tail to hitch a ride. This propensity can be used in a charming way during the holiday season. If you are giving pet lhasopossums as gifts you can simply hang the puppies from your Christmas tree by their tails. Children love finding the cute pet Santa left for them hanging on the tree! Be careful though because lhasopossum pups have a taste for tinsel and the shiny pellets they defecate are attractive to children, yikes!





Russell