Getting In Touch With My Inner Jerk!

I live in a condo. It has elevators. The parking is underneath the building. The elevator goes down to the parking level on the ground and no lower. The other day I got home and parked my car. I got on the elevator, at ground level, the lowest level possible. Some tourist with a mid-western accent asked me, "Going up?" I said "Yes." What I wanted to say was, "Fuck no! I'm taking this baby down, down, down straight to hell!" So why didn't I? I live across the street (boulevard actually) from the beach. The salt air is great for allergies but hell on bicycles! Naturally as a guy I choose to keep my bike safe from rust in my condo. That's what guys do! So the other day I am getting on the elevator with my bike and a tourist with a thick southern accent drawls "You been-onna-bike-ride?" I said, "Yes." What I wanted to say was, "No! I have been rock climbing!" So why didn't I say that?

Last summer somebody asked me, "Hot enough for ya?" I just smiled. I wanted to shout back, "Hell no! It won't be hot enough for me until my blood actually starts percolating!" So why didn't I? The other day I was out in my coat with my scarf wrapped around my neck. Some fool said to me "Why you wearing a coat? It ain't cold! ha-ha-ha!" I just smiled and avoided eye contact. What I wanted to say was, "Hey jackass I know it's not cold! This is my portable, personal sweat lodge!" Why didn't I?

I like to play in the ocean with my boogie board and surf-fins. Sometimes there's good waves here. I'll be on the elevator after a few hours catching waves. Invariably somebody asks, "Been to the beach?" I have occasionally just stared back in exasperation, but usually I just say, "Yeah." I think about saying, "No I was at the movies." So why don't I?

Every time a waiter asks me "Is everything okay?" I am tempted to say, "Hell no! The whole world's in a giant fuckin mess! There's global warming, the Mideast is about to explode again, the economy is in recession, and I am concerned about becoming arthritic! Nothing is okay, except the meal was not too bad." So how come I never say that?

I guess I would feel bad if I ever said half the stuff the pops into my brain. I really don't want to be a jerk but it is pretty tempting! I might not be evil genius material but I am a frustrated smart-alack. A frustrated evil genius makes a death ray, a frustrated smart-alack draws a cartoon of himself with one.





Russell

GMO vs. GMO

The creation and production of genetically modified organisms [GMO] is a safe industry, but nobody's perfect. Which is how the nutriweenie came about. A really very competent lab technician just happened to have a cold but, she was dedicated and she came to work anyway and.... well she sneezed. When she did a petrie dish of genetic material for dachshunds spilled into a petrie dish of nutria genetic material, which normally wouldn't be a problem but, when combined with whatever she sneezed, well the result was hundreds of nutriweenies.

Nutriweenies do not make good pets! Unfortunately they are just too cute for many people to resist. It's true that nutriweenies have all the feisty charm of a weenie dog combined with the enigmatic draw if a gerbil. The gerbil connection may be a lot deeper than a mere superficial appearance. Like the gerbil the nutriweenie has a penchant burrowing into dark warm places which could explain their mutual appeal to some people with unusual sexual appetites. The nutriweenies amphibious habits probably enhance its sexual utility for these folks. Emergency room personnel are reporting individuals coming to the ER complaining of nutriweenies lodging themselves into their anuses while they were sitting on the toilet. Nutriweenies would likely find sewers to be an excellent habitat. It is unlikely however that one would swim up into a toilet, and less likely one could or would leap from the bowl into your rectum. Still it might be wise to flush before you start your "business."

Children seem to find nutriweenies irresistible. The wiggly little pups are friendly and readily interact with kids. Unfortunately their filthy habitats, their shaggy coats and their sneeze generated origination, make them one of the most septic non-microbial creatures on the planet! If your child brings one home you will need to immediately contact your local board of health and follow their instructions completely. Whatever you do never flush a nutriweenie down the commode. We cannot afford to have them establish themselves in the sewers of America. Some people believe alligators living in the sewers would eat the nutriweenies but these alligators are a myth. The myth did give the fellows at the lab an idea though and it just may work!

The kittycuda is the world's first GMO engineered to counteract the negative impact of another GMO (the nutriweenie). The kittycuda is a nearly perfect predatory match up to the nutriweenie. Both are amphibious so there is no escape by land or water for the nutriweenie. The kittycuda is a doubly stealthy combination of barracuda and ocelot DNA. Kittycudas have needle sharp teeth and a gaping maw and a long catlike tail tipped with a scimitar shaped caudal fin. This may be the ultimate ambush predator. Whether creeping silently through brush, hovering motionless in the water or waiting patiently to pounce from an overhanging branch the kittycuda is silent but deadly!

Some people admire these handsome creatures so much that they have tried to keep them as pets. Kittycudas are predatory and will eat other pets if they can swallow them whole so just figure that your kittycuda is going to be your only pet. They are unable to distinguish between pets and food and tend to establish large hunting territories so your neighbors probably won't like your pet if it swallows their Maltese Terrier. Children should be safe except perhaps premature newborns but they are unlikely to be left unattended. Kittycudas are so stealthy your neighbors are unlikely to catch them eating a pet, so if you just keep quiet they may never figure out what happened. Be as sneaky as your pet and all should be fine.





Russell

Be Prepared!

The anxiety is increasing across the country. It's coming and there's not a gawdamn thing we can do 'bout it! I'm not talking about Christmas, although we are not able to prevent it either. Black Friday is less than a week away. It actually starts on Thursday this year. Thanksgiving Day is ending early, so that you can start shopping immediately after stuffing yourself to the point where gluttony transforms into misery. Sounds awful doesn't it? Wandering the aisles of Walmart in a tryptophan haze jostled by other flatulent shoppers tussling over bargain priced electronics, widgets, and assorted crapola.

Well it doesn't matter how dumb it is! In our struggling economy it is your patriotic duty as an American consumer to go out there and consume, consume, consume until it consumes you damnit! But you need to be prepared. Remember the mayhem of last year's Black Friday? Well bucko, this year won't be any easier. It is likely to be even crazier, more frenetic, and even more violent. Fortunately there are some steps you can take to enhance your prospects of snatching more than your share of bargains at Target and living to show them off.

Last year's favorite shopping aids were hand held tasers and pepper spray. They have already shown up again this year. It seems tasing and pepper spraying rival shoppers might just have become a holiday tradition. "Merry Christmas" zap! And another shopper is left twitching in the home furnishings aisle. You need not limit yourself to these now prosaic examples of holiday shopping weaponry. Exciting new tools for cage match style shopping are available.

If you wish to clear a department of other shoppers or want to avoid waiting forever in a lengthy checkout line just toss a jar filled with angry wasps into the general area and watch those Walmart shoppers flee! You may have to use the self checkout. Have you ever fished for catfish? Did you use blood bait? If you did God bless you, because that stuff smells like shit! Exactly like shit! Really very stinky shit too! Simply spread  a good quantity of blood bait onto a disposable diaper and stick it onto the screen of your favorite plasma TV. You can do the rest of your shopping and pick it up on your way out. Nobody will touch it!

Despite these innovative techniques you may still have to engage in hand to hand shopping! A can of bear repellent is much more effective than the traditional pepper spray. Bear repellent is designed to ward off grizzly bears! It should work against all but the most fanatical bargain hunters. If you can't find bear repellent try oven cleaner. It can remove years of baked on grease, it just might remove your shopping competition.

Wear rubber soled shoes and imbed razor blades in the outside edges of the soles. That should prevent people from crowding too close! Spilling marbles onto the floor can create a distraction, as shoppers flop head over heals, which you can use to snatch items you missed out of their carts! Some rival shoppers may carry paper shopping bags supplied by the store. You can get these fools out of your way simply by using a disposable lighter to set their shopping bag aflame! It's simple and fun!

Finally you need to realize that despite all these great ideas or possibly because of them you may find yourself in an altercation with another shopper or even store security. Sometimes the simplest solutions are the best. What could be simpler than a purse full of bricks! Whack somebody with that and they stay whacked! Alternatively you can reach in, yank out a brick and start pelting your assailant(s).

Well, good luck and good shopping! Happy holidays everybody!







Russell

The Delightful Hammerhead Terrier!

The guys at the lab got it right this time. There is no more charming canine/shark hybrid than the Hammerhead Terrier. This is a frisky fun filled family friendly pup that will delight your children! Hammerhead Terriers with their wide spaced eyes have excellent distance perception but, they cannot see anything clearly that is not at least several feet away from the tip of their noses. Combine this with their giddy terrier personalities and they are constantly slamming into obstacles as they careen around the house. These slapstick antics will get the kids laughing so hard they pee their pants.

The only major downside to owning a Hammerhead Terrier is in fact their accident proneness. Some owners have experimented with wrapping bubble wrap around their pet's snouts. Others have tried balloons or foam rubber mounted to their pet's snout using elastic or rubber bands. Another strategy is to attach foam rubber or even feather pillows to any surface or obstacle the Hammerhead Terrier has or could slam into. This may seem extreme but really nothing is too extreme when you are protecting the well being of a loving family pet.

Due to their farsightedness male Hammerhead Terriers are often off target when they urinate. This can be entertaining or annoying depending on your point of view. If your point of view is to close it could be embarrassing too. Again children usually get a good laugh out of watching their pet playing lawn sprinkler. Besides this particular idiosyncrasy can be used to help them understand why grandpa is so.... messy.

All in all the Hammerhead Terrier is a good choice for people looking for lively a pet who loves to chase balls but are not too disappointed if he winds up running right past them. Try to avoid playing fetch in areas closed in by chain link fencing. Your pup will never see it and slamming into a chain link fence may look comical but it could strain your pet. On the other hand your pet may never come back after he takes off after a ball or stick tossed into an open field.


Should you be strolling in an open field when a Hammerhead Terrier comes bounding toward you let the beast run straight into your arms! Soon his owner will come running up to you ever so grateful to you for nabbing the wayward pet.




Russell

Lab Reports, "OOPS!"

Okay this was a mistake! The pit shark is not a fit pet for anyone except possibly a suicidal psychopath in which case it is the perfect pet. The guys at the lab were trying to create the worlds most effective guard dog. It seemed like gene splicing a pit bulldog with a bull shark ought to yield an optimum guard dog. The trouble was that guard dogs are meant to stop trespassers but not by eating them. That is exactly what the pit shark did in it's initial trial as a guard dog.

The fellas at the lab thought they had eliminated all copies of the pit shark genome. One young lab assistant apparently thought it would be funny to substitute a pit shark for his grandma's shiatsu. Even her walker was ripped to shreds. Anyway the frightful beast was apparently pregnant and gave birth before she could be apprehended (a process which proved fatal to several Animal Planet Channel celebrities). Luckily the pit shark's reproductive rate is hampered by the fact that fetal pit sharks practice inutero cannibalism. This has kept their numbers somewhat limited but served to heighten their black market panache. Prices for this illegal species pups have soared. This has slowed their spread into the milieu of inbred backwoods redneck dog fighting. Unfortunately it has only increased their cache among upwardly mobile gangster rappers.

These shark canine hybrids are excellent swimmers. Reports that pups flushed down toilets by wary parents, over their delinquent child's objection, wind up thriving in the sewers may in fact be true. Despite rampant internet rumoring, evidence of them leaping up from toilet holes to chomp down on exposed genitalia are anecdotal at best (worst?). Even so investing, both personally and financially, in Depends or another adult diaper might prove worthwhile.

Reports of gigantic pit sharks stalking forests and patrolling lakes and rivers are probably exaggerated. It is true that in theory there is no maximum size for a shark but the pit shark also has canine elements. The prospect of 30 foot long (some witnesses report 60 foot monsters) pit sharks is too horrible to not consider. Such a beast would have the coldblooded nature of a shark combined with the hot blooded appetite of a pit bull all in a giant size! A pit shark of such dimension would likely be impervious to gunfire. It is doubtful that even Danny Glover could kill one.

Should you encounter a pit shark give it wide berth and definitely DO NOT TRY TO PET A PIT SHARK! Unless of course you always wanted the nickname "Lefty."





Russell

Finally A Convenient Pet For Dog Lovers!

I know many dog lovers are anxiously awaiting the introduction of a canine which can compete with the starcat for the designation of "world's most convenient pet." Lucky for them the wait is nearly over. Cat lovers now have a less contemptuous pet with the starcat. Dog lovers have been wanting a less enmeshed pet and now comes the squeagle. The squeagle is a perfect pet for people that love dogs but hate having some four legged sycophant constantly under foot (and man do they howl when you accidentally step on them). The squeagle is the perfect pet for on the go people. The squeagle has all the intelligence, loyalty, and loveability of a beagle with the cunning self sufficiency of a squirrel. Squeagles are affectionate and readily come when called, they love to play fetch if you use acorns or peanuts instead sticks or balls.

I understand how distressing it is to leave the house when your pet pooch reacts as if you are abandoning him forever! Dogs seem to think every time you go outside you are never ever coming home again! Then while you're away they they decide to empty the kitchen garbage can onto the living room floor. When you come home they are so happy to see you that you're paralyzed with emotional dissonance. You're mad over the mess but  the doggy is so effervescent with relief at your return you feel guilty for being mad! This kind of internal conflict can give you a neurosis. You will never suffer such psychological trauma as the owner of a squeagle.

You can leave your pet squeagle alone in the backyard indefinitely. Your squeagle will scavenge nuts and seeds and conceal them in secret hiding places. If some neighborhood cat comes into your yard anticipating making a meal of your pet, that cat is in for a rude awakening. It is very entertaining to watch as some naive kitty stalks a squeagle only to be scared half to death when the bushy tailed little beast suddenly spins around bares its teeth and starts barking maniacally! This kind of internal conflict can give a cat a neurosis.

The only difficulty of owning a squeagle has to do with their chisel like incisors. These fast growing teeth give the squeagle a cute bucktoothed face but, they grow so fast that the squeagle needs to engage in nearly incessant gnawing to avoid them scraping the ground. This is only a problem for indoor pets. Fortunately the squeagles canine learning ability makes it easy to train and they love to fetch. Simply toss a whetstone down the hall (be careful this is no rubber ball!) and yell "fetch it boy!" As your obedient squeagle snatches his toy he automatically grinds down his two front teeth. Try and get in several hours of play each day! (Hey it is part dog after all.)




Russell