My Brain Hurts!

I am so ambivalent about stuff it drives me crazy! I bet nobody else is ever like this, or maybe everybody else is like this too, all the time. See what I mean?!! Do you ever buy something because you just really want it so bad and then later you wish you hadn't wasted your money? I have quit buying stuff because of this. Except every once in a while I feel a need to buy some shit and then that's what I think of it. It happens with relationships too. I am totally ambivalent about people unless I think they don't like me. I really like people who can barely tolerate me. But if it turns out they want to hang around I find that smothering. Maybe this is a Twilight Zone episode and Rod Serling will explain it to me. No wonder that guy smoked like chimney. Groucho used to say he "would never join a club that would allow him to be a member" I wonder if he was joking. I'd like to believe ambivalence is characteristic of smart people. You know like some people are just too dumb to make themselves this bewildered. Kurt Vonnegut believed our misery was directly related to what he called our "overly large brains." I get a perverse kind of comfort from that.

The other thing that weirds me out is this; I recently saw the movie "War Horse," and it is of course a tear jerker. I mean it's about a horse for Chrissakes! Well after over two hours of  emotional turmoil and profuse weeping, I left the theatre and it quit affecting me. Why can I go see a movie and go through all kinds of emotional shit but, when it's over it's over! Why isn't life like that? Why does stuff bother us for days or weeks or even years after it's over? Still what would we think of someone who's dog dies and they are sad until it's disposed of (yech!) and then they are like "what dog?" and if you remind them they say "oh yeah I remember him he was a good dog." I wouldn't like someone like that! But how long should stuff bother you? I have no idea, except that it should be longer than after a movie but probably not forever. I just wish stuff I didn't want to bug me would quit bugging as soon as I want it to! Maybe it does... Now there's a disturbing idea... Hmmm


Russell