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Sunday, September 25, 2011

Don't Look At That It Will Ony Make It Happen!

I heard someone say that 95% of the things they had worried about never happened. I know what his intent was with that statement. But my evil cartoonist brain ran with the concrete version; Wow! what a great preventative strategy worrying turns out to be! So you want to avoid something just worry about it and there's a 95% probability it will never happen! cool!

Of course there are those proponents of the so-called "Law of Attraction" who say worrying about stuff actually increases the likelihood of it happening. They usually cite (very, very loosely) the observer effect from quantum mechanics*as scientific support for what sounds like a superstition. Nevertheless worrying does seem like a pretty negative hobby.

I used to be a news and current events junkie. I had to quit. Watching too much news is really bad for your psyche. It's like eating glass, totally unnourishing, and it hurts all the way down. Really any big news can be caught in a few minutes and checking in every few days or even once a week is plenty. Mostly there is just a lot of bad stuff that has nothing to do with anything you really need to know.

If you like to worry the media is a great source for you. I saw an "educational" show on all the various ways the earth could be destroyed. I think there was about 50 scenarios. By the time the show was over I could no longer justify doing the laundry. I mean why bother? We're doomed!

But hey we all like to worry right? I mean the news does have viewers, and that show I saw had sponsors (so it must have had an audience besides me - I don't buy shit). So in the public interest I decided to compile a list of stuff to worry about. You can add your own neurotic concerns of course, but I think this list should provide ample material to obsess on.

Stuff to worry about: global warming, flatulence, nuclear proliferation, space junk falling on your head, leaving the coffee pot turned on, drivers using cell phones, drivers texting, good mayonaise gone bad, terrorism, where are my car keys, getting laid off, you notice spinach on your tooth then realize it has been three days since you ate spinach so for the past three days everyone you have spoken to thinks you have a green tooth, the republicans, you could have a melonoma mole growing on a part of your body you never see, the stock market, all your friends have better friends, ear hair, was that tuna salad dolphin safe or did you just eat flipper's blow hole, you're not getting any younger, bad breath, you search your family tree online and learn your lover is your cousin, there could be someting hanging out of your nose and nobody wants to embarass you but it's making everybody feel nauseated, preservatives, tsunamis, bed bugs, a meteor the size of a mountain could pass through the atmosphere causing it to burn off and we would all be slowly roasted by cosmic rays, bird flu, paying too much, social security, the democrats, people might be just pretending to like you, what is that smell, forgetting to change your oil, plumbing problems, forgetting to pay a bill, there's never anything good on TV..... yada, yada, yada

Depending on your belief, this list could be either preventive or causative. But even as a prevention, 5% of this stuff could still happen. So you probably shouldn't leave home without your tinfoil hat!

Russell

*How do you become a Quantum Mechanic?

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