WARNING! This Is Maudlin

I would have figured I would have written something new by now, but my friend killing himself really knocked me for a loop! Nothing seems that important except how important we all are to each other. I am really going to... I was going to say going to miss him but, shit! I really do miss him he's gone right now! I thought I would be mad at him but I'm not, at least not yet. I have found myself getting mad at other people but I know I just want to blame somebody. They say a bad day is when everything goes wrong and there's nobody to blame! I don't blame anybody for my friend's death, not even him.

I know suicide is one of those selfish acts. But who hasn't been selfish? When I am in pain I have no doubt about my place in the scheme of things; I'm the part that hurts! Face it when we're sick or hurt we get selfish and self centered or at least I know I do. I suppose if the pain gets bad enough we will do anything to make it go away.

A little over 14 years ago another friend of mine had killed herself. She was married and had two young sons. It really bothered me that not only did she kill herself but also her sons' mother, her husband's wife and her parents' daughter. It's the same now but, maybe because I knew this friend's pain better than I understood her's, I just can't judge him. Maybe I have grown some too.

My first wife used to threaten suicide regularly and made many half-hearted and several earnest attempts to kill herself. Believe it or not you get used to it. I think what I have come to learn from all this is that life is really good and really tenuous. We are here for the blink of an eye! I don't care how rotten things seem at the moment it's only a moment. Life turns on a dime and every turn is unpredictable.

You will never live happily ever after but neither are we born just to suffer die. Life is like a game of Monopoly that nobody wins and nobody loses. The point is to enjoy your time with the other players. They are not going to be around forever and neither are we so, enjoy their company while you can! Whatever you do don't get mad and throw the game board in the air! Free parking is just around the corner! I miss you buddy...


Russell