Living In The Mean Time

Everybody has been talking about the recent massacre in Aurora Colorado. In some of the media and from some friends I have heard the concern that this guy was a genius and that geniuses are liable to pull this kind of crap. I disagree, on the whole I think stupid people are much more likely to kill people than smart people are. Killing people just seems like a stupid thing to do. Isn't "stupid is as stupid does" a line from Forest Gump? Not that I think we should be quaking in fear of stupid people either. Most of them are just as innocuous as your typical Mensa member. I think the problem with evil geniuses is that like most intelligent people they are just really good at what they do. Dumb killers don't go about systematic planning, they just get a hankering to kill folks and act on it without planning or forethought. Evil dumb-asses just grab a weapon and start killing. Clearly monitoring of intelligent people is a red herring in regards to preventing massacres.

Of course a lot of people are amazed at the rapidity with which this latest nut-job managed to amass a cache of weapons. This concerns me too. I don't, think any amount of gun control can stop a dedicated killer. At the same time it would seem that this particular killer's preparatory behaviors should have aroused some official concern somewhere, but it doesn't sound like it did. Europeans will be shaking their heads and fingers at us once again. I remember being on vacation in Germany a whole bunch of years ago. We asked some Germans  about going for walk in their town (we really just wanted to make sure we didn't get lost). The Germans enthusiastically assured us that it was indeed safe to walk in their town. They actually told us nobody would shoot at us! We lived in Houston at the time and had not yet had to shoot our way out of the neighborhood we lived in. The Germans seemed to presume we routinely engaged in gun battles. The truth is that Germany has more shooting massacres than we do on a per capita basis (according to a report on NPR). If you look at Europe as a whole instead of country by country and compare it to us they are just as violent and crazy as we are. So controlling access to weapons doesn't work out all that well, too bad!

I guess the one thing we always hear is that nobody knew what any of these killers were up to. Sometimes after the massacre all kinds of evidence pops up, and there were warning signs but nobody took them seriously enough, nobody took preventive action. I am unable to blame people too much for their inability to recognize that a friend, family member, coworker or neighbor is about to go berserk and start killing people. I have a lot of friends and always have had. I have had friends do all kinds of stuff that I never could have anticipated. Later the evidence was clear, after the fact. People are unpredictable. They do some crazy shit! I have done some crazy shit! I am not worried that me or any of my friends are going to commit a massacre. That's the point! Nobody ever expects anybody they know to become a homicidal maniac. I guess we can blow off the idea of developing some profile we can all measure our buddies against, "Ed seemed a little short with the waitress earlier, do you think he could be planning some kind of genocide?" That conversation is never going to happen.

So what do we do? All we can do is appreciate the people in our lives while they last, before they go nuts, before someone mows them down. Chances are it will never happen and even if it does we can enjoy them in the mean time.



Russell

Toward More Effective Communication

A friend of mine was describing an argument he'd had. He admitted using some pretty bad language but justified this as being due to someone else's condescending attitude. This other friend of mine said she'd learned how to use the "when you talk to me in a condescending manner it makes me feel..." system of communication to great effect. She allowed that it was difficult to master but said it kept arguments from getting too heated and prevented her and her significant other from saying things they wound up regretting. It got me to thinking.

We are all familiar with this style of arguing I think. I mean therapists have been advocating this "When you..., I feel" stuff for decades right? Still hardly anybody has actually adopted it (actually the above mentioned friend is the only person I have ever heard who admits to arguing this way). I think I know why.

Suppose someone treats you in a really condescending manner and you say, "When you treat me in a condescending manner I feel as if you are devaluing my feelings, would please refrain from condescension when speaking to me?" They respond, "What kind of weenie are you?" So you say, "When you call me a weenie it makes me feel..." Clearly this won't do.

I think I have a solution! Suppose someone talks to you in a condescending manner. So you say, "When you treat me in a condescending manner I feel blah blah blah..." (you know the above). And they respond with more condescension, so now you say, "I'm serious when you behave condescendingly it makes me feel like responding in a less than healthy manner." Of course they insult you again. So now you say, "Honestly your condescending manner is stimulating some potentially dangerous hormone flows in my autonomic nervous system." Again they pop off with an insult. You respond, "Oh dear your insulting behavior has resulted in an almost overwhelming urge to kill."

I think this method of communication just might work. I can imagine using it in lots of different circumstances. For instance imagine someone ignores you, you could respond, "When you ignore me I feel like having sex with your friends in order to get your attention." If somebody is angrily staring at you, you could say, "When you glare at me I wonder where my grapefruit spoons are and if I could scoop your eyes out with one." If you work in a restaurant and some customer is demanding and rude you could say, "I am sorry you are dissatisfied but you know what, It's funny how often dissatisfied customers wind up with intestinal problems."

Learning to communicate clearly and effectively is so important, it truly deserves all our attention.





Russell

Freeway Moses Lays Down The Law

I really liked that old Cecil B. DeMille movie The Ten Commandments. Moses became kind of buzz killer in that movie. Everybody was having fun partying down getting funky with their golden calf when Moses shows up with the Ten Commandments and the party is over. I think that whole golden calf worship bit was some kind of sideways sucker punch at Hinduism but what do you expect from hyped up proselytism via Hollywood?   But that's not really where I was wanting to go with this.

I was up in the Kingwood  area earlier today. Getting there was a real ordeal. I mean the scene on the Gulf Freeway made Exodus look like pleasure trip. People were not behaving well either. It was clear they could benefit from some clear directions, like get out of my way! (Just kidding, sort of) Anyway there was some sort of accident that led to the whole thing coming to a halt for an extended period. This gave my mind an opportunity to wander (it ceases every opportunity it gets).

So in my mind I see Moses coming down the exit ramp with a giant I-pad. He looks pissed! He has just spent 40 days and 40 nights at the Sinai Exit Rest Stop subsisting on vending machine cuisine. His hair has turned grey and his beard is full of fluorescent orange Cheeto dust his eyes are flashing daggers of righteous rage! In a booming voice he harangues all present his voice mystically emanating from car stereos and On-Star systems. The rightness of his message mesmerizes the throng of misguided motorists.

He pronounces the Lords latest commandments;
I - Thou shalt not drive in a sluggish manner in the left lane, and wilt use this thy Lord's lane only to pass!
II - Thou shalt never cross an intersection when the light is red lest thou lose thy soul!
III - Thou shalt not covet thy neighbors parking space!
IV - Thou shalt yield when the sign of the Lord instructs thou to yield!
V - Thou shalt not tailgate!
VI - Thou shalt signal every turn and lane change!
VII - Thou shalt share thy lane with thy neighbor!
VIII - Thou shalt not text while driving!
IX - Thou shalt not obstruct the path of an emergency vehicle!
X - Thou shalt not drive like a %#&@ *&#$ #$&@-ing jerk!

How many commandments do break each day? I've broken them all. I wonder if Freeway Moses could get me to straighten up?




Russell